Single White Female

Every time a eHarmony.com commercial runs, my guy sighs, looks at me and says "I wish I had somebody who loved me like that!" Me too, me too...

Know where to go to find the ideal mate? Check out these ads:

"I am a very sweet girl who enjoys car rides, giving people kisses and receiving any affection I can from you (AKA - SLUT!)! I am quite energetic (A.D.D.) and would like a home with an active owner (NYMPHO). I may jump up in excitement when first meeting people (PSYCHO), but in a friendly way (YEAH... RIIIIGHT). I sometimes may chew when I am left unsupervised (SHE EATS A LOT, KEEP YOUR KIDS AWAY FROM HER), so give me lots of exercise and toys to keep me busy (NEEDS TO LOSE WEIGHT)."

OR

"Hi my name is Joker (I'M THE ONLY ONE WHO LAUGHS AT MY JOKES)! I was brought back to the shelter because (I'M HOMELESS) I like to escape and travel to neighbors who are not to fond of me (ESPECIALLY WHEN I'M DOING THE NEIGHBOR'S WIFE).  I am a very sweet boy! I love to play (OH YEAH, GIGGIDY), and of course the more attention the better (ATTENTION WHORE)! I love being around kids as they are fun playmates (DON'T TELL MY PAROLE OFFICER). I need someone who will be patient with me and work with me so I do not escape anymore. (I LOVE TO BE TIED DOWN, I HAVE MY OWN HANDCUFFS)"

OR

"I am a very loving and affectionate girl and I really like attention (ANOTHER ATTENTION WHORE), I would also do great in a home with kids of all ages."

OR

"I love treats and will take in gently (WITH A LITTLE KY). I am very people oriented, and I like to be next to my owners as much as possible (I AM VERY SUBMISSIVE, WILL YOU BE MY MASTER?). Oh and I also was used to being around a chihuahua and I was the submissive one (TOLD YA). I like car rides, and I tolerate baths but it's not my favorite (THE WATER CAUSES FRICTION). I need lots of running space in my next home because of my energy level, and because I was used to it (WAS? WHAT DO YOU MEAN "WAS"?). I love to fetch. I also retrieve (I'VE BEEN CAUGHT STEALING). I have not hunted (I'M ALWAYS THE HUNTED). Thunderstorms and gun shots did not seem to bother me (AS LONG AS THE SHOOTER CAN'T AIM). When strangers came over I barked if I was outside but would not hurt anyone. I got along great with the cats as well (JUST LOVE THE FEEL OF THAT SANDPAPER TONGUE). I just like everyone (I'M EASY!)"

OR

"Hi there I'm Jake! Don't let my age fool you, I'm a big playful boy with a lot of energy (AKA I'M OLD BUT WILL LAST MORE THAN 8 MINUTES). I'm very social and friendly with strangers (I LOVE EVERYTHING THAT'S STRANGE TO MOST PEOPLE). I like to give hugs, I do well in car rides, I like baths (WASH ME, I'M DIRTY), and I love to cuddle (OH YEAH, AND SPOON, AND OH YEAH...)"

OR

"Hi, my name is Buddy! My original owner abandoned me (YUP, ANOTHER DIVORCÉ) and so I was kept by another family for 3 months (REBOUND EFFECT). I love chew toys and pigs ears (AND BACON, LOVE BACON) and I lived with older children. I can be a little vocal (I'LL YELL WHEN YOU DON'T DO WHAT I WANT) when I don't get enough attention or on car rides (AGAIN WITH THE CAR RIDES). I  like to chase cats and probably should not go in a home were they are present (CRAZY CAT LADIES: BEWARE). I was kept outside all times (I KINDA STINK, EVER SINCE I DID IT WITH A QUESTIONABLE PERSON). I would love a home where someone has time for me and where they have time to train me and teach me new things. (I SOMETIMES PEE IN BED)."

Something tells me the fine people who work at the Humane Society have spent too much time searching for their soul mates online.

DISCLAIMER: No animals were harmed in the making of this post.