If there's one thing this trip is doing to me, is that its making me realize just how utterly and depressingly fucked up and messed up I am as an individual.
I can't hide from myself. I can't hide my truths. I can't hide my weaknesses and I certainly can't hide my ugliness. It's like life is holding a magnifying mirror in my face, and is forcing me to keep my eyes open. Yelling "take a good look, this is you, this is who you've always been!" Now to figure out how to change, and make sure reality won't chime in and add "...and who you'll always be!"
Finding myself on a 40-foot boat with nowhere to go unless I'm taken there by the waves - and my husband who's always there, by my side, at bed time, breakfast, afternoon naps, heck we can't even poop in total privacy! Am I going crazy? Or has the craziness simply been on hold, waiting to be awakened by the harsh water hitting upon us from each side?
Are people really meant to be together? Is it normal to choose a mate and join for life? Why can't people join, for periods of time, when its most convenient or when both partners happen to be on the same path? And then as things progress, opportunities arise and change comes to life, partnerships move on - naturally - to new horizons. Would that not be the norm? Should that not be the norm?
I'm now filled with doubt and confusion. Is this it? Is this what I should be doing? Is this my destiny? Am I making a mistake? Or if I leave this cool adventure and opt for a more sedentary life grounding myself into work and rent - would THAT be the mistake?
And then... and then you realize that as perfect as other lives may appear to be, and how they make yours look sour in comparison you suddenly realize how it ain't so! Because you see, in reality everybody is just as fucked up as the next. Some show it more, and others have great cover ups. But in reality they are looking at you trying to impress you because they feel a mess, and wish they could be you.
yep we are all just as fucked up...and we all have doubts...and at times we all see everyone else with rose colored glasses...
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you're having such a tough time right now! Definitely use the blogging community for company/an outlet
ReplyDeleteSelf reflection is a good thing. Its all about being happy with yourself and not being afraid to make mistakes. Just because you get off the boat, doesn't mean you can't get back on. Don't think of changes in your life as final. Hugs to you.
ReplyDeleteI can totally relate. Swap out the boat for a truck and everything else is the same. Self loathing in a small space sucks donkey balls.
ReplyDeleteFor what it's worth you aren't alone in your feelings. Hang in there.
What's a fembot?
ReplyDeleteI ran away to sea when I was young. In Alaska. I learned mostly about silence. What fills the quiet. I remember from time to time the peace, and the self loathing.
People change. And most people fear change.
And now, settled and becalmed.
I miss the harsh music of change.
Very interesting... I really like it... Thank you so much...
ReplyDeleteWe all doubt the paths we're on sometimes. As someone who knows sedentary, trust me, even if you've done it all your life like I have it takes some getting used to sometimes.
ReplyDeleteWe all have self doubts and wonder if we are on the right path. We HAVE to determine if it's true feelings, or is it just the circumstances. Granny always said "Don't let cabin fever make your decisions for you!"
ReplyDeleteI wish I could be you. Trade ya? xoxo
ReplyDelete