Friday, April 6, 2012

Captivated (Improved Version)

Magpie Writing Prompt. Image by Sarolta Ban
He was late for work. He knew it was going to be one of those days. The razor suddenly was nothing but dull blades slicing through cream covered skin, empty coffee can, overflowing toilet, and then just as things could not get worse, the trash bag fell apart on his freshly dry cleaned suit.

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16 comments:

  1. Brian MillerMarch 9, 2012 at 3:32 PM

    smiles...now that is the perfect reason to call in sick...now go at it man earn that look back...smiles....nice write ma'am

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    1. Marie NicoleMarch 11, 2012 at 7:10 PM

      Thanks Brian, coming from a pro like you it means a lot...

      Delete
  2. BBMarch 9, 2012 at 5:24 PM

    Very nice. I like how he felt the energies all around him as if for the first time. I actually felt energized reading it. Good writing.

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    1. Marie NicoleMarch 11, 2012 at 7:10 PM

      Thanks! Feeling energized is a good thing, right? :)

      Delete
  3. katsidheMarch 10, 2012 at 7:07 PM

    That was pretty fucking amazing, my lovely.~

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  4. Crack You WhipMarch 14, 2012 at 6:21 PM

    Great story! I could actually visualize it and not often that happens!

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  5. Pat TillettMarch 28, 2012 at 9:11 AM

    That was REALLY good! I'm not just saying that to be nice either. I enjoyed reading it...

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    1. Marie NicoleApril 3, 2012 at 12:27 PM

      Now why would you want to be nice Pat? heh heh heh

      Delete
  6. Naked Girl in a DressApril 4, 2012 at 7:29 AM

    I love the image and how you set up the story to him coming across the graffiti. I read what you wrote about not liking the ending. You grabbed me and sucked me in with him stumbling upon the image of his wife on the wall. So much potential there and I too didn't like the ending. I would like just a little more...he didn't go to work...why? If you had to end it, I would end it with wanting to win the look back. That was a great sentence and it could have ended there.

    I saw some grammatical stuff to correct (not a ton), but decided to leave my comment on the ending. If you want more from me, message me in S30P (Kelly Sajonia).

    Overall, great job!

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    1. Marie NicoleApril 4, 2012 at 11:35 AM

      Kelly, you're so right! That's most likely why I didn't like the ending, like if I was trying to spell it out to the readers... Thanks a lot for your feedback, I really appreciate it!

      p.s. not a shocker to have grammatical stuff, English is after all my 2nd language, curious to know my mistakes though!

      Delete
  7. AnonymousApril 9, 2012 at 3:46 PM

    Sometimes once you've lost the look, or no longer inspire the look, there is no way to get it back. ~Mary

    ps thank you for that great note. it meant a lot.

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    1. Marie NicoleApril 9, 2012 at 5:01 PM

      Oh that would be so sad... maybe he can get a new and different look but still full of love?

      p.s. you're welcome, i just hate the haters ya know?

      Delete
  8. LanceApril 11, 2012 at 10:33 AM

    Amazon Elixir should be your band name.

    I like the stream of conscience part of how he's walking and the symbolism of the graffifi.

    This is the third time I've read it and I've gotten something difefrent each time. That's good writing.

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    1. Marie NicoleApril 11, 2012 at 1:00 PM

      Have you ever heard me sing? You don't want to, trust me. Actually Eric helped me out with some great editing notes which I need to make a list of his edits and use them for future writings... Thanks for the comment though!

      Delete

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