Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Dear Potential Employer
Obviously if I am writing you today, it is because I know that I am not only the best choice, but let's be frank here: I'm the only choice. Not only for this position, but just about any position. Just take a look at my résumé. Is there a field, any field, left untouched by my chocolate covered fingers?

Yes, there are other candidates worthy of your time. Yes there are other candidates with more qualifications, more experience and may I add classic training immediately relevant to the position? But will they wow you and woo you? Surely they wouldn't.

Will they laugh at the most inappropriate times shocking you and your esteemed colleagues? No. Most likely not. Will they spend an inordinate amount of time googling the right image and following up with giving credit to the rightful owner? Bah! I doubt it. Will they burp and immediately giggle like a grade school kid? Maybe. But not to your face. The hypocrites. Will they call you at home as you sit with your family for dinner bragging about a new cocktail mix they invented? Oh come on. No way would anybody else ever think of such a thing!

How many words are required to yell out tell you: PICK ME? Two. How many words will I squander in this letter simply because I'm such an eager beaver? I will give you the pleasure of using your word count to find out. Simply because I am that kind of person. Giving.

I leave you with this thought: why hire the best when you can have the rad-est.

I am expecting your call and will be open for an interview as soon as I can make myself available (please avoid high surf times, nap times, feeding times, and Californication times).

Yours truly,

Marie Nicole

In a perfect world, this would be the ideal cover letter. In a perfect world you would not need to be bland in order to be considered professional. In a perfect world honesty would be gainful. In a perfect world, chocolate would not only be healthy but a must for weight loss. In a perfect world retirement would be for the 30s and 40s and work for the 50s, 60s and 70s when everybody has a yearning to still be worth something. In a perfect world you could exchange smiles for food.

In a perfect world YOU could borrow this cover letter. Let me know when you get hired! I may need a cut...


  1. Have them call me if they need a reference! xoxo

    1. Only if you answer your phone "I shoulda been a stripper, how may I help you?"

  2. seriously, we need more cover letters like this...

    no joke, i got a resume once that said 'good with children and farm animals'...that is just wrong...

    1. For a while my online resume was titled "Most likely not a zombie" hard to believe THAT didn't get me hired! And that good with children and farm animals, was it simultaneously?

      I need to know!

  3. I've hired a lot of folks and often found out that the best resume didn't always result in the best employee. In fact, many times it was the opposite. To me, it's all about being reliable and having a personality that fits. People can learn a job... But you can't teach them to be somebody you'd like to work with. They either are, or they aren't....

  4. Hhahaha well, it's attention grabbing! Send it out, see what happens. :D

  5. I know the feeling
    When you spend copious amounts of time writing job applications it seems a bit 'please leave your personality at the door until we request it'.
    I once sent out a creative job application, telling my story. It was for a writing job at the local paper. Needless to say all I got back was one of those unimaginative form letters that didn't even acknowledge my effort to step outside of the job-application box

  6. The ONLY benefit I can think of my company since Katrina ( and having to contract out help rather than hire purely awesome people) is that I do indeed get to be a solid experience and business reference for AMAZING people. Like you. I would indeed hire you in a heart beat.

  7. Seriously.
    I've always had an issue with the fact that a piece of freaking paper (that people can flub all they want) often determines so much when it comes to jobs. What can you know from a resume other than the same qualifications everyone else will have? I get the weeding out process, but still...give me personality any day.

    Thank god (knock on wood) I haven't had to send one out in a few years. When I do, I'll make it a good one ;)

  8. I would have no idea how to approach the job market now.

    "I draw stick people."


Unless you are a zombie or a fembot, your comments are totally appreciated! Loved. Desired. And wanted (I added that in case it was not clear)