I'm Paper Mâcheying Over Here!

The SHE side...

The Code

As Dexter was trained to the code on how to not get caught, I was also trained by a similar code. My father was a pro at keeping his drinking problems under control. He never missed work. Never missed any special engagement. Visited his aunt every single Wednesday, played the organ for the church and volunteered to take care of an elderly woman who had no family.

I Drink TOO Much!

http://cdn.mos.totalfilm.com/

I guess Daniel Radcliffe (Harry Potter) must have a drinking problem too. I just google searched "drinking problem" then clicked "images" and he shows up a lot. And I am probably the last to know this... And I call myself a Harry Potter fan! How dare I?

It's only normal that when you're on a vacation you have a few cocktails every night. Right? And this trip, really gives us a deep sensation of being on a vacation. Problem is we've been gone since Nov. 10. Today is my 3-month anniversary of cruising the Sea of Cortez, Mexico and daily toddies. It's hurting.

Just as last week I decided to stop and take a break - this week I've done the extreme opposite. I went 7 or 10 days and was doing great. Then a gang of old friends booked a condo in Cabo San Lucas for their annual binge drinking holiday and well... being but 2 days of sailing away we cruised our way to play with them. My liver is my hostage on this crazy amusement park ride of bar hopping and booze-croozing.

I can't wait for their vacation to end tomorrow so I can slap a band-aid on my liver and sign-up for Advil Detox.

Lemme Tellyou About My Hair

Source: www.worldproutassembly.org

I have a cow's lick. That expression is so gross! But the stupid cow licked me right where my part ends. So if my hair isn't set right, it actually looks like a bald spot.

Yes. I'm too sexy for my hair.

The day I actually wash my hair, it goes totally unnoticed to the untrained eye. I still see it (with the help of 2 mirrors placed just so, but I'm a trained professional in finding personal flaws).

But... living out here where we have to run the water maker for 8 hours to fill our water tank, which needs to be run on the generator for which we have to walk to a gas station to buy fuel - showers are a luxury! Don't even get me going on what it takes to heat up the water! So I wash my hair on average once or twice a week. It helps that I dive 2-4 times per week. And that the air is dry, otherwise I'd look like George Clooney in "Oh Brother" with his pomade. Yup, I'd be: The Daper Dan (Wo)Man!

The dirtier it gets the harder it is to handle and maintain the B-spot. But my hair clearly wants to separate where the part ends. As my last shower becomes more and more a thing of the past, the more it splits apart like the Red Sea.

Why am I telling you this?

I don't have a single iota of a clue. But its been bugging me all morning, and I guess I needed a stranger's shoulder to lean on. Hold me! I almost look like I'm balding on bad hair days!

Muwah!  ;)

Random Confessions

The Beach Cruiser: would be cooler if it was rare.

1. Every time I glance at a digital clock and see repeated digits (11:11 - 1:11 - 2:22 - 3:33 and so on...) I quickly look away from the time, make a wish and make sure I don't look at the time again for at least a minute because I'm somehow convinced if I do look and it's still the same time, my wish won't come true.
2. I fold my underwear: lay them flat, fold up the bottom flap, then fold that row in three and store them in a stuff sack. I've been doing this since living on the road, and it seemed appropriate to maintain this crazy habit on the boat.
3. Sometimes as I'm walking down the dock I close my eyes, and challenge myself to walk 20 steps before opening my eyes, sometimes I cheat and take a quick glance and still congratulate myself for doing the full 20 steps.

Things I've Done

www.socialnetworking.procon.org

Oh, what have you done? Sunday I posted a list of what I've never done. I've managed to pair up every thing I haven't done to its equivalent of what I have done. And this is a true exercise in humility. Things listed here are taboo, shameful, but harshly honest with myself. And by doing these things I have built the person I am today.

I am pretty awesome, so I cannot deny my past. None of it. Even the bad parts.

I'm 45 and so far I have:

It's Official!

I showed him this ad this morning.

Me: "Hey we can save up to 89% in laser hair removal in LaJolla!"
Him: "I'm already losing all my hair for free!"

30 Shameless Days: SWEAT!

www.sweatblock.com

 This I do quite well.

I sweat. So much so that I keep a bar of deodorant in my glove compartment. I sweat. And 2-3 times a week at roller derby? I produce more salt water than the salt flats of Utah.

Three months into my new derby life, a girl next to me was smelling her gear (that makes her sound like a puppy after her tail, her gear - knee pads, elbow pads... gear!).

How Rude Of Me!

Vinny C gave me an award.

I accepted the award.

I did the prompted post about the award.

I talked about all the posts I was supposed to talk about.

Then nothing.

Trapped In Little Saigon!

This isn't MY picture, its from Yelp! As in "Yelp me I'm trapped!"

I had my first ever pedicure 2 weeks ago. Cute little Ashley did a wonderful job. When I discovered she happened to be Vietnamese I asked her what her fave Viet restaurant was. And this is how I ended up being trapped!

(Cue the suspense jingle with dramatic overtones)

I LOVE Vietnamese food! I was a regular at Nu Mee Fung in the Chinese district in Ottawa. I go goo-goo for the rice paper roll-ups (an asian version of the fajita) and have become very addicted to this meal. Whenever I happen to be in Ottawa, I always make a special trip down memory lane...

(Cue the "get with it" screams!)

My Shame: I Am Not A Leader

This falls under 30 Days of Shamelessness, Post #7: Share your efforts at something you don’t think you do well.

And I am not a leader. I have many leadership skills, traits, abilities, bla bla bla. But people just do not follow me. They don't. And to lead, you must be followed. I have dedicated a major part of my life in honing my leadership capacities, from college to most of my professional career... And I still am not followed.

In high school, when the school principal wanted to inspire us to run for class president, he talked about leadership skills and how to know you have them "When you get up and decide to go to the restaurants, do your friends go with you or just stay put?" My friend looked at me and said "That's me!" I asked her if it was me too. She laughed. She's probably still laughing.

"People don't follow you, silly! I don't know why, they just don't!"

Then my teacher felt the compelling need to finger ME out in class. And this lasted during the entire hour where she droned on and on about my lack of leadership skills. I wanted to run out of the class crying, but instead I chose to sit there and stare at her hoping to make her feel as badly as she deserved to feel.

Later, I chose "Recreation Leadership" for my college degree. After completing a month long intensive program on (duh) leadership, where we were taught that leadership in essence was the influence one has on a group of people. We were asked questions such as who influences:

• your decision making;
• what you do in your spare time;
• where on campus you spend your lunch break;
• what you wear;
• who you hang out with; etc.

And the last question asked was who influences you the most overall in your life. And every single student in the class wrote down MY name. Yet, when I planned outings and invited classmates, only 1 or 2 would agree to go. They didn't trust me enough to follow me on a night out on the town, but they sure relaxed when it came time to putting their life in my hands.

I wanted to have my professor put the results down in writing so I could plaster it in my high school teacher's office AND my ex-best-friend's apartment. The entire time I was running on high speed trying to prove 2 people they were wrong.

Only thing is: they were right. I am still not being chosen to follow... Oddly enough I am an influential person but people don't realize when they make life changing decisions just where the influence came from. Am I arrogant to make such claims? And what's wrong with not being the leader, but one of the followers? In this society where we spend huge amount of money on building leaders, isn't it time we invest in the followers?

30 Shameless Days - Love For An Uncool Movie

I'm stumped by this. An uncool movie? Isn't that kinda like the uncool TV show? For my husband, any chick flick or musical is uncool. For me it's any horror movie. Grrrrr.....  Horror flicks keep me up at night and I do get very frightened by them.

But does that make them uncool? I've found awesome stuff at garage sales. That last-chance-to-make-cash-out-of-your-trash deal? Basically, what people sell out of their garage is to them uncool, right?

What's cool? I know I'm not cool. I'm a spaz. A geek. An annoying person who is always stressing over what people really think about her. Not that what people think of me will affect what I do or say, but I just want to know what's going on in people's heads when they look at me.

At derby I yell a lot. "Jammer coming up!" "Coming on your inside!" "Watch out! Old lady coming through!" Coaches tell us its good to be in constant communication and giving info is key in becoming a good derby athlete.

So words fly out my mouth constantly. And I don't really yell-yell per say. I know, I mentioned "yell" but that's only because the word says more than if I were to claim "I project a lot at derby". Projection allows you throw your voice further without strain on your throat and stuff. You push from the gut. I can actually whisper and an auditorium full of 500 will hear me.

So. Where does that put us in terms of uncool movies? Since I defined it by horror flicks, I must then talk about one of those frightening movies that keep you up at night with horrible visions in your brain.

The Changeling. That's my pick.

It came out in 1979 or 1980. My dad took me to see this telling me it was about classical music.

I was 14.

And I was frightened. A movie about classical music? I trusted my dad and believed his every words. Other than when he told me my mom was a lesbian, but that's beside the point and just angry divorce talk.

But this movie was NOT about classical music. Yes it's got a good soundtrack if that's your thing. But, needless to say I LOVED this movie even if it scared the bejeezus outta me.

I was 14. And my dad was taking me out to the movie theater. This is back when going to the movies was a big thing. Same goes as going out to a restaurant. Nowadays, movies are as disposable as a Seinfeld rerun episode.

p.s. also among unpopular movies I also love:

1. The Mask and most Jim Carrey movies out there... (including Cable Guy)
2. Amelie
3. Borat
4. Freddy Got Fingered
5. Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou
6. O Brother Where Art Thou?

30 Days of Shamelessness - Eat Whatever You Want

Find out more!

I had 2 cookies for breakfast. Not any kind of cookies mind you.

Chocolate. Dark chocolate. On a buttery crunchy dry cookie. They're called "Petit écolier" which means small school child. Or something like that. Two cookies for breakfast, and by 11:30 am I was dying of hunger. DYING. We were out running errands so I had to grab a quick lunch on the go.

In-N-Out burger and fries. With a chocolate shake. But it's ok, I shared the shake with my sweety. A diet of a champion. But those cookies. Mamamia they are SO friggin good! Trust me on this one. If you happen to spot them in your grocery store, and if you happen to enjoy dark chocolate (once you go dark...) you will so love these!

Which makes me wonder, what's your favorite kind of cookie? I'd love to know... especially if it will make me discover a new cookie that needs my love!

p.s. what do you think of the new Blogger interface?

30 Days of Shamelessness - Dia Dos!

Day 2 - Look a Fool

"Hey look! A fool!" Can you guess which one is me?

What can I say...

There are two types of girls in derby. The jocky type who is all about the athletic aspect of it and the other one who cares about how she looks - and look good she always does.

I must admit I don't know where I fit in this distinction.

I'm a goofball. We did the pride parade, and of course I had to go out and buy fairy wings. But that wasn't enough, I added wings to my helmet. And that wasn't enough either - I needed the clown nose.

Don't ask why. I haven't got an answer. I look back at this and think I look silly. Foolish. So yes, this is very fitting for this specific post.

30 Days of Shamelessness - Declare a Love for an Uncool TV Show

This is a tough one. How do I define "uncool tv show"? Like a yard sale, one man's junk is another one's treasure.

ABC After School specials made me who I am today. In part... well kinda... If I knew an After School Special was on, I raced home right away... not staying to hang out with any extra curricular activies. I was a sap for these emotionally packed mini-movies. The plot was easy to figure from the get go, but I didn't care.

I sat on the couch riveted to the tv screen with a box of tissues on stand-by. Oh, I cried every time. I was an easy target on the emotional side. And I knew I would cry me a river every episode, but that to me was the draw. The emotions. The drama. The family crisis and then the happy sappy ending.

At the end I'd be drained but satisfied. And until the next special program I'd be living by my newly acquired moral (morale?). ABC dished out and I swallowed. I was just what they hoped for. A teenager struggling with divorced parents, an alcoholic father, a new town, new school: I was a living, breathing and mostly crying ABC After School Special creators' wet dream. The sponge that would soak it all up in a gooey teary mess!

Most people avoided tear jerkers, where me, I sought them out. They were MY tornados.

I don't get many opportunities to watch TV these days. For starters I don't have access to television. I own one, but I don't have cable or satellite, and the antenna is buried under a seat trapped behind the autopilot. What can I say, sailing tools must have priority on a boat! Everything I watch is streamed via my phone from Netflix or Hulu. Unless my 1st Mate is out of town on business everything I watch is shared with him. We give each other the right to refuse anything. And that means no sappy programming and no chick flicks.

But every evening spent alone on the boat is accompanied by the likes of movies like Precious, international sub-titles and tissues (I'm sure he needs tissues when HE watches stuff without me, but his gooey mess is so different than mine. Sorry. Is that crossing the line?).

I've also promised myself an Ally McBeal retro-marathon. This show had it all: quick and snappy arguments, quirkiness, and love. Until then I watch nothing but "cool" TV shows: Rescue Me, Dexter, True Blood, Breaking Bad, Weeds...

I need a Kleenex sponsorship!

p.s. the part 2 to yesterday's story should follow tonight... fun times!

The Challenge of Organized Women's Sports

www.cowshell.com

DISCLAIMER: I am a very open and cool person. I am. I truly am.

When I start getting involved in any team, oops, make that a woman's team of any sort, the hardest challenge I face is knowing if each new woman I meet is straight or lesbian.

Why is this important? If you know anything about me, you probably understand immediately why it has any importance. But let's say you've never actually met me (which pretty much sums up 99.9% of my readers) or that this is your first time here (hey, thanks for stopping by!). One of my motivations for joining any league is networking and making new friends.

And I don't give a rat's ass what you eat for pleasure. But... some do, and my over-friendliness can be off putting for some of my new "friends". I am always wondering "does she think I'm hitting on her?" or "hmmm... does she want me to hit on her?" See my challenge?

Now meet my new sport: roller derby.

Chicks who are badass is the most common denominator in this sport. And, yes, I will be doing a sexual orientation profiling: this is also pretty common among my les-be-friends. You know what I'm saying? Well, ok, not ALL lesbians are badass in-your-face-hard-core-slamming-other-peeps-to-the-ground type. You should meet my Montreal friend. Total opposite. But that's besides the point.

Last practice we all went out for taco Tuesday. Tacos: making Tuesdays 100% better around the universe! Disclaimer: I am not being paid by Taco Corp to make this claim. It's just my straight up belief.

Booby came along, because he's that kind of guy. Always open for fun, and girls drinking $2 Margaritas dressed in hot Derby clothes? Oh yeah... He'd be insulted if I didn't invite him. But at one point, one of the girls pointed at him and said "Who's THAT guy?" and one of my peeps said "Oh, that's Marr's husband!" (We all call ourselves by our derby names btw).

Oooof. I need to breath now (sorry, I've been totally struggling with breathing as a side effect from scuba diving this week-end). Where was I... Oh yeah, SO then the girl who asked who Booby was looked at me and something clicked. I saw her registering "Oooohhh, so she WASN'T hitting on me, she was just being friendly!" And I knew she was in the same place as I was.

I wish I had some kind of beeper telling me who eats what. It would avoid a lot of potential embarrassment. Ya know what I'm saying? I don't need to know so I can avoid you... I need to know because I just need to know! And although *I prefer sausage to taco, I do like my share of tacos (carne asada, that is!)

* if you've never seen 50 First Dates: watch it now, or you'll never understand this comment.

My Favorite Topic: Poop!

www.nataliedee.com

I have a friend who owns a Roto Rooter franchise. And you thought your job was shitty? And yes, I have friends in mighty high places! His happy hour stories are usually quite amusing.

This one day... he tells us how he gets called in to unplug a seriously plugged up toilet. he fishes all the crap out of it and up comes a bunch of condoms. A bunch of them. He tells the guy he should consider throwing those out in the trash, not the toilet. The guy tells him he needs to talk to his wife, since he doesn't use condoms.

***

Another friend of mine was a pharmacist. He quickly learned the necessity to provide extra details about prescriptions, even details he thought could go without saying. When a client came back asking "How the heck am I supposed to swallow THIS pill?" when he was waving a suppository, he thought he was going to faint. "Sir, do you know what a suppository is?"  When all he got was a blank stare followed by "Am I supposed to know all the medical terms for various pills? I imagined it stood for horse-size pill!"

***

You know what I hate? The toilet brush. Ugh, how the heck do you get your's all clean after a quick scrub around the bowl? There's always poop crumbs that cling to the bristles. It doesn't matter how harsh I swoosh it around the bowl, poop crumbs just cling for dear life. And when I use it in the boat toilet it's even worse. Why do they call boat toilets heads? And does that make the brush a head brush? And to scrub it, am I actually giving head?

Where am I going with this post?

And trust me, don't ever bring up the poop topic during an interview. No matter the job, no matter how "lax" the interviewer may appear - NO POOP TALK.

Roller Derby: A Vlog!

Man do I EVER talk fast. I'm still trying to figure out the whole iMovie editing and stuff. So bare with me as I learn. But in the meantime, please do watch this short little vid I made just for you! And this also confirms I am getting old. Times are sad man, times are sad...

Mucho Gusto - Don't Eat Me!

www.mexicanfoodie.com

Last year we spent 3 weeks in Punta Mita, Mexico. This is a small fishing village NorthWest of Puerto Vallarta. Small fishing village is key here. It's a quaint little spot for when you don't want to be bothered by all the touristic crap. Oh I think you know what I'm talking about...

I carried my spanglish dictionary everywhere I went. These peeps-itos did not speak much English, nor French. I was visiting THEM in THEIR pueblo. When in Rome, wear a toga and add a slice of lime to that cerveza...

I had just finished eating what I thought was the best carne asada ever! (Note to readers: when tour books warn you of the street stands selling tacos, they're just trying to keep a well kept secret hidden to avoid long lines.) And searching my dictionary for something that could mean "good" I came upon the term "gusto".  And I knew "mucho" meant a lot.

So I told the man who served me "Mucho Gusto!" He looked at me all weird. Booby and I assumed he thought I told him I wanted to eat him...

Last night was my first class of Spanish 101. Maria, my teacher looked at me and pronounced (oh you guessed it) Mucho Gusto!

Me: "Do I look that tasty?"
Maria: ??? "What? No I am pleased to meet you"

And to you reading me mucho gusto I am happy to MEAT you!

Readers' Choice!

I'm undecided as to what write next. I'll give you 4 options to choose from and then I'll write the TRUE story about it in my next post. Here are your choices, and please use the comment field to tell me your preference:

1. The time a walkman almost got me killed;
2. The time I escaped a psychopath;
3. The time an unknown biker saved me;
4. The time I played a game I called "I'm in jail"; (or, make that 5 options)
5. The time a salesman told me to tan and shave my legs.

Hey! And it's Wednesday. Hump Day. You know what THAT means? I need to pimp out a sexy bitch and pretend like I'm humping her right now. Have you ever read The Pits of Being Peachy? This is ONE fuckin' funny writer. But don't just take my word for it, take her words. Take em and read em and laugh and then come back here and vote for the Readers' Choice!

This Peach Fuzz chick has already won 2 awards here. One of them being her snappy commenting skills. If you start reading her blog and commenting, chances are she'll spread her Peach fuzz'ness all over your blog and tickle your funny bone with her witty comments. Trust me. You'll wonder how you've ever done without. It's like cell phones, internet and hot dogs: what did we do before they were invented?