Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Immaturity Is My Middle Name

Disclaimer: Laura from Fetch My Flying Monkeys started this trend. And although Immaturity is my middle name, I have a 2nd middle name and it's Follower. What monkey see, monkey do. And these ransom notes are fun! Not as much fun as Jiffy Pop Popcorn, but pretty friggin close.

Ever wonder where our true beauty lies? They (who the fuck are "they" anyways?) say it lies within. My cyber friend, who should be forever enshrined at the Humor Museum (there is such a thing you know) has shared with me her beautiful innards, which I am now sharing with you. And this is what I found:

When an alien makes a threat, it is best to not laugh. Laughing at alien's world domination threats is the last thing you want. Trust me, they can do stuff we've only dreamed of or seen in cheesy B movies with cardboard red and blue glasses. You know what I'm talking about...

Laser eyes? Eeeeks! Will they cut through clothes? Will they break skin? Cut my body in half? What do laser eyes do? If Mini-Me sees THESE lasers will he hump them? "Mini-Me, stop humping the lllay-zzzer!" OK alien monster, I'm already feeling my fingers go numb and I know your lasers will turn me into a zombie. WHAT DO YOU WANT?

You want me to take you to my leader? Which leader is that? What do they mean when they say that? Who the fuck is our leader anyways? Go see Laura, she's kinda my leader as I stated above, I'm just following anyways. Go, leave me alone! Help meeeee I don't want to be turned into a zombiiiiiiieeeeeeeee!

Of course the alien wants to kiss me. Take a number alien dude! Look at those lips all puckered up... OK alien, I'll kiss you but that's where I draw the line. Nothing beyond that not even 1st base. You can't breed through me. I'm not doing it, I'm not. No means no!

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Back to serious matters. Sorry about yesterday. Sometimes I kick myself for stuff that should stay in the past. Bipolar you say? PMS maybe? I'll get over it. Thanks Minute Man's Wife, you are wonderful.

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This morning I woke up to yet another email from the "ghost". Apparently I am a wonderful soul. He obviously doesn't read my blog.

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This is what you get when you become my friend by the way. Have any pics you want to send me? Some scans? MRI's? Ultrasounds you need me to see and analyze?

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Ever notice all the new self proclaimed Doctors?  Dr Phil. Dr Drew. Dr Laura. In a time when everybody is self-diagnosing their diseases it's only fitting everybody should call themselves Doctor. I only wish I'd thought of it before they did. My hands are already full copying a favorite blogger of mine...


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17 comments:

  1. Luke, I am your father.
    I think your immaturity is contagious.

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  2. @ Holly: I can hear you breathing!

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  3. @ Bouncing: thanks! they're a lot more work than they appear to be. i now admire bloggers who do this kind of stuff regularly. total admiration!

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  4. I hope you know that, with that guy, a kiss is all he needs to get to first, second and third base. You should have asked to see what he has for a tongue before you agreed.

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  5. Aw! Thanks for the special mention in your blog! I am honored!! Wow!

    This post reminded me one of my all time favorite book, The Bunny Suicides (a book compiled of various methods demonstating how one bunny can take his own life). One method depicts Mr. Bunny taking his own life by kicking the leader of the alien invaders in the nut sack and they zap him! I'm pretty sure it's non-fiction though.

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  6. I Am not a Dr but I do play one in the bedroom.

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  7. i am all for aliens as long as they leave their probes at home..

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  8. Hey, that's the same alien who was kissing on ME just last night.

    Damn Dirty Rotten Lying Aliens.

    That's it, there will be no evil spawns bursting from my chest...HA!

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  9. Your friend is obviously super cool, most people at least photo shop their pics, also the kiss me? I hope you guys realize that clam looking thing that you all think are lips are something lower then the lungs above it, which means your are probably kissing this chick just above the belly button. I AM NOT JUDGING YOU, just making sure you know. Similar shit happened to me in Thailand 1 time.

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  10. my innards are super fierce like that too. maybe i should start wearing my ultrasounds on my sleeve.

    ps: jiffy pop is the bomb diggety. it's about time someone said so.

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  11. "Dr Phil. Dr Drew. Dr Laura." Pshhh... these quacks got NOTHIN on Dr. Cynicism. WORD.

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  12. If you happen to get a hold of Dr. Who would you give me a call? I would very much like to spend some one on one time with him...I need something looked at.

    Stop by my blog when you get a chance...I have something waiting for you over there! :o)

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  13. Aren't those Ransom Letters fun? I did my resume in them. I wonder why I haven't gotten any call backs yet?

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  14. I am happy to see you have bounced back.

    This could easily be my favorite quote of the week: "Apparently I am a wonderful soul. He obviously doesn't read my blog.

    PS If this ghost person is bothering you, I say block his emails.

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  15. @ Vinny: I was scared there for a moment yesterday, but then a spot showed up (sorry) and I'm NOT pregnant with ET's bastard son in my womb! Yessssss!
    @ Bunny Suicides: sounds like a great boo they should offer in psych wards! heh heh heh
    @ OT: GOOD one! high five!
    @ Brian: yeah, no probes, I hear they hurt!
    @ Nari: if evil sprawns do come a bursting please take pics! please? i need them for my next post!
    @ pits: she is UBER cool, but you wouldn't know her (hee hee)
    @ patty: mmmm jiffy pop!
    @ Dr: Yo! I hear ya!
    @ Absolutely: Yippeeeee! I needed one of those!
    @ Laura: ha! and you should see some of MY application letters! i pity them, especially when they ask for creative people... i hear sirens!
    @ Florida: it's all good. his intentions were not bad, i'm just very harsh on myself and it needs to stop! now! thanks for liking my quote!

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  16. You are so funny! These things were great! Speaking of those doctors. they suck...

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Unless you are a zombie or a fembot, your comments are totally appreciated! Loved. Desired. And wanted (I added that in case it was not clear)