Wednesday, January 26, 2011

My Homies Wear Depends And Smell Like Mothballs.

Living at a marina is totally like living in a retirement home. All the homies are like... well - old. Older than I am anyways.

I take my daily shower at the pool since showering in the boat is a pain in the old buttocks (maybe I am older than I want to admit, yeah, sure...). Yesterday as I was skipping my way to the showers, I came to a slow crawl as some lady got to the door before me. So I had to slowly very slowly follow her in. She stopped when she sensed me "you are being followed" I chanted behind her. With a smile. But the smile was wasted on her behind.

She finally makes her way to the shower corridor. Finally. I'm dying behind her! And she opens the first stall and stands behind it. Okaaaaay... I start putting my stuff on the counter. And slowly wonder what it could possibly mean if she opens the door and stands behind it. Is she "reserving" that stall for herself? Am I supposed to walk around the door to one of the next stalls?

I'm new here, and I've never seen anything like this before! So, I do what any uncertain person would do: "Are using the first stall?". She shutters, or stutters, or whatever it was. "No I just want privacy!". Okaaaaaaay... I take my clothes off, pile it up on the counter because the bench is now off limits being blocked by the door to the 1st stall. I hang up my towel by my door and enter the shower. Close the door. Wonder if it's ok to close it since now she is exposed to whatever it was she wanted privacy from.


I'm in my shower taking my sweet ass time because that's what I do. I love long hot showers. It dawns on me that I still haven't heard my neighbor start her shower yet. But... whatever. Then IT happens: her hand is clutching my door. (oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, I'm freaked out, what do I do???)

I stand frozen not knowing what the hell is happening. The shower door is one of those glazed over glass doors. Maybe it's Plexiglas, not important. What IS important is what she does next. She is still fully clothed and she is doing squats. Using my door for balance.

What the fuck? Where am I again?

Now I start taking even more time. Rinse. Apply again. Rinse. Condition. Leave in hair for 3-5 minutes. Pull out my cute little soap fuzzer thing (you should see it, it's a rubber ducky with a swim mask tied to a pooffer, I love it!) and pour some yummy smelling pink bubble gum soap on it (I know, this detail is not needed to the story, but if you ever do find some bubble gum smelling soap let me know, I want more of it and mine was a hotel sample).

By the time I am finally done she is still clutching and squatting. Up - down - up - down with her banana yellow t-shirt. What am I supposed to do? Yell out "watch your fingers" and slam the door open as I jump out and stand naked in front of her clamoring how privacy is so important to me too?

Really! WHAT is the public shower etiquette for old lady hanging on to your shower door as she does her morning exercises? Oh where is Martha Stewart when I need her? I slowly open the door, grab my towel and wrap it around me. (Sorry, no drawing for you... maybe next time) Take all my stuff out of the shower, and close the door. She huffs. Looks at me like I'm a total moron and a very rude one at that. And opens the door again. "My privacy! Remember?" And huffs again.

Not sure about the etiquette, but giggling in these situations? Totally unavoidable. Totally. Sorry Martha, you'd be astounded by my rudeness after you were done laughing at her too! Oh, and let me tell you I took even more time after that! By now this is fun as she is OBVIOUSLY waiting for me to leave before she unveils her spectacular self. Privacy-shmivacy! You know how long it takes to puff-daddy comb my hair? As I stand there with nothing but my towel and my day dreams? FOR-EV-FUCKIN-VER!

Now she is standing behind her glazed over glass or plexiglas door waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. As I crawl around. Heh heh heh. See? I can be totally devilish... I never did find out though if she took her shower or not. I got bored and left while totally repeating over and over in my head: " I will so blog about this tomorrow."



  1. You may just be my hero. Well at least for the moment.

    Trolling old people should be a sport.

  2. Hilarious! I just love showering in public!

    The joy of the drain, and of course, the shared nudity...

  3. Okay so a couple things come to mind here.

    1) When you said you showered at the pool I totally had a vision of you in the pool with shampoo! I'm too literally for my own good.

    2) Who asks for Privacy in a public shower?

    3) You are very brave. Obviously that old lady was crazy and was getting ready to kick box your ascot!

  4. I actually finished reading this about five minutes ago but I was laughing so hard, I had to go to the bathroom or pee myself. So you know, I chose the bathroom.

    Maybe you should have invited her into the shower so you could speak to her, you know, privately.

    It's a good question though. What exactly is acceptable public shower etiquette when dealing with the elderly? I guess it just...Depends.

  5. When I read this nice story I couldn't help but think of the line from Jaws, "We're gonna need a bigger boat."

    Why you ask? So you can shower on your boat away from freaks.

  6. I bet that shower in your boat doesn't seem like such a pain now, does it?

  7. I suppose she's already complained about you to the marina privacy police! Why do some earthlings have to be so friggin weird!

    Congrats on making her wait...I hope she's still waiting!

  8. this was a great story thank you for making me smile

  9. I'm becoming obsessed with selling Avon. My first instinct was to grab a brochure and see if they have bubble gum soap. Sorry, didn't see any. :(

    If she wanted privacy so badly, maybe she should have left and returned at another time.

  10. @ Not: I believe Canada DID try to make it a sport in the 1976 Olympics...
    @ boldly: Your post was so much like mine! Only I did have flip flops, but I think while she was squatting there may have been some undesired flip-flopping...
    @ The Minute: when i wrote showered at the pool i pictured exactly what you saw! wooooowwwwwww...
    @ nari: bwahahahaha! it "depends" classic!
    @ OT: I already have 2 showers... I just don't want to deal with all that entails. PLUS you wouldn't have gotten THIS story!
    @ Vinny: again, I love a good story! I'm always looking for freaks! heh heh... They shape your life you know?
    @ Pat: haha, you said earthlings! haha!
    @ becca: glad you smiled!
    @ Jen: dam it! I woulda ordered a case!

  11. yikes...i dont know if i could handle someone doing squats on my shower door

  12. Thank God you aren't staying at the Bates Motel 'cause that could have been way worse.

    Now I will be on the lookout for a rubby duckie fuzzer thing for me and bubble gum smelling soap for you.

  13. The squats were the funniest thing EVER!

  14. I would have said something like "oh is this the gym? I though it was the shower". I too can be rude when in the company of rude ass people.

  15. Old people don't make any sense.

  16. who squats in the bathroom!? (lame, i know.)

    please tell me she was dressed.

  17. OK, I am not getting it, she went to the public pool shower to " take a private shower?" then she didn't take a shower but instead took the most public stall and blocked you so she would see you naked? then she stood in front of your glass door exercising? I am thinking you should have brushed your hair nude and started doing jumping jacks and squats because this hag needs to be taught a lesson. What we have here is a failure to communicate you are sooo much a better person than me.

  18. Wow.. funny.. serves her right.. se was total bitch!!

    - Sy

  19. Okay after the bad day I have had this is exactly what I needed for a good laugh. I think she has a twin here in Ga waiting to use the restroom.

  20. I love this story! Next time step out nakey and show her how to properly do a squat.

  21. i would have gotten out and showed her a "squat" of my own... a nice fresh turdling right at her feet...

  22. Hysterical. The public shower wouldn't be my first got-to for a squat work-out, but what the hay.

  23. What a fun experience! I always enjoy being around senior citizens in retirement communities New York. They're very welcoming and quirky.


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