Monday, January 24, 2011

I'm Struggling

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I don't know what I'm going through.

I think I may have some type of multiple personality disorder. At times I may be:
  1. Artsy and all creative with my markers and words writing poetry and drawing stuff that pops in my mind 
  2. Funny, witty and snide, all for the benefit of a good laugh
  3. Deep and thoughtful like a Deepak Chopra wannabe
  4. All goody-goody saying the right thing, doing the right helpful gesture like a Mother Theresa wannaba
  5. Mean and laugh when it's most inappropriate mainly because I'm uncomfortable...
I jump from one personality to the other usually forgetting who I was last. Today a ghost from my past  reminded me of yet another personality I'd forgotten and left behind. Does a snake ever slither back to his old skin and reminisce?

I've done stuff. Stuff that could not evoke worst feelings about myself. What's the opposite of proud? Shameful. Full of loathing shame...

You'll know when I shake out of it, but til then I may take a break.

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20 comments:

  1. Oh no! Truly! I would be the saddest of all if you took a break now, because I'm just getting to know you!! Lucky for you I'm brilliant!! Why don't we all post something hideously shameful that we've done to show you that we're all human and do things we're not proud of?? (Crap, I guess this means I go first...) Hmmm....

    surprisingly enough several things come right to mind.... now the choosing.

    Well there was that bus load of nuns that I ran off the highway...

    Just kidding... It has to be true. I know. I know.

    So there was this guy - Heart Breaker Dude formally mentioned in my blog. I was completely head over heels in love with him. Then he went off and joined the frigging Air Force! I waited loyally as we went through boot camp. We had unbelievable reunion sex for like three days straight. (That information wasn't pertinent.) Then they sent him away to Vocational School... FAR AWAY. I wanted to move in a start a life together when he got back but he told me to sign another lease at the apartment I was renting - alone and with only enough space for one. So I got mad and I legally cheated on him. How is this done, you ask? You call him up when he's having a REALLY BAD day and tell him its over. Then you go out tramping around with anyone you please until he comes home and then you make up with him and have incredible reunion sex again for three days. But pretty soon I realized that I had done irreparable damage to our relationship and I ended up losing one of the greatest things that ever happened to me all because I was too selfish to wait for him.

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  2. BTW - Did I mention he was saving up for an engagement ring when he was AWAY at Vocational School. Yeah, I was a BIG jerk!

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  3. Unfortunately, there's no fancy shmancy personality disorder that I could diagnose you with. This is just a classic symptom of being human. It sucks doesn't it. Hang in there and have fun shaking :-)

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  4. we've all done things we're not proud of, we are all our worst critics. but i think you'd find many of us wouldn't judge you so harshly and would love you anyway.

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  5. If you start a club I will join because I know I have at least 3 or me floating around in my head. I think its okay long as you remember where the other personality left off ;)

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  6. There are a lot of things I've done that I'm not proud of but I don't regret doing because it is what makes me the better person I am today. Don't be too hard on yourself!

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  7. Okay so THAT little plan totally backfired. Thanks a lot guys! Luckily I had a plan B...

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  8. This post was deep. By the way I like #'s 2,3,4, and 5.

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  9. @ Minute: Is it too late to tell you I love you?
    @ Minute: ditto on previous @ to you
    @ Dr: did as the doctor ordered (ie. have fun with the shaking), with a martini shaker in hand actually. Thanks it worked. Wowwww, you really are a doctor!
    @ Punker: We are... arent't we? Wanna hang out with me so you can bitch slap me when I fall into this stupid slump?
    @ Daisy: Fuck the other personalities, when they "aint" here I's be in control! ;)
    @ Bouncy: I know... I know... And this is shit I'd forgiven myself for years ago, but it crawled back via email! The fucker!
    @ Minute: Look at us! You and I we were both let down by my so called followers! Harumph! hee hee (I still love them but now you're #1)
    @ Oilfield: Whaaaat? You don't like the artsy me? Muah! (that last thing, that does represent a cartoon character crying right???)

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  10. nice...i like all my personalities...shame sucks though...dont beat yourself up...and enjoy the break...

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  11. I don't know, darling Nikki. You sound fine to me. But I'm pretty fucked up so what do I know?

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  12. Just do what you gotta do to take care of yourself and "real life" things. We'll be here when you get back!

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  13. Just do what you gotta do to take care of yourself and "real life" things. We'll be here when you get back!

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  14. do what is best for you and know i'll be here when you get back hugs

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  15. The ghost sounds like an asshole. Fuck him. Shake what yo' Mama gave you.

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  16. We've all been there. I, for one, have had to deal similar ghosts like yours. If you've left that personality behind, it's probably had good reason to. In that case, it's best it stay in the past.

    As the poem goes "...rest if you must, but don't you quit."

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  17. Shame and guilt are such wastes of time, dear. Just remember, everything you've ever done, everything you've ever said, everything you've ever even thought, has played a part in making you the person you are today. And the person you are today is pretty damn awesome.

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  18. You know what? Everyone's done stuff they're not proud of. We learn, we move on, we make better decisions and soemtimes we even do the same damn lousy thing again!

    I have personality shifts so often, my brain has tire burns on it.

    Who is this ghost from your past? Tell him to Get Over It and stop bringing down our Nikki or I will do end up doing something shameful, myself.

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  19. I love you no matter what. The end.

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Unless you are a zombie or a fembot, your comments are totally appreciated! Loved. Desired. And wanted (I added that in case it was not clear)