Monday, February 7, 2011

Damned if You Do, Damned if You Do (Because You Said No)
In a turmoil

After years of running non stop with a crazy racing schedule, never staying put in the same city for very long (spending 2 consecutive nights in the same hotel became sheer luxury) I was now well overdue for normalcy.

I crave boredom. I crave a mundane life where I come home bitching about what Suzy dared say at the water cooler. I crave staying put in the same city for long enough to build friendships.

Friendships. I struggle to even remember what 2 girls chat about while sipping a cup of coffee. Do people still do that? Hook up for a cup of java?

See how out of the loop I am? And now I was hoping I could do that. Feed my cravings of normalcy. Take the trash out. Wash dishes. Get parking tickets and contest them in court. You know, regular stuff. The stuff most people complain about and end up hating: I want or need!

I crave it. I know, it's weird, but it just is! When you live on the road for years hopping from hotel to hotel, never knowing what city or state you're in when you wake up in the middle of the night as you bump into walls looking for the toilet: you crave NOR-fucking-MAL!

Evidently 50% of the people in my relationship seek the opposite.

50% of the people in my marriage want to go south. Spend a month in Mexico. Maybe more. Maybe less. Maybe just head out as soon as possible and see where the breeze takes us. Oh what the heck, take a year meandering around. A YEAR??? More uncertainties leading me to further isolation...

Let's face it. The only good thing I've got going for me right now is that other 50% of the people in my relationship.

Jobs? None.
Friends? None.
Home? None (other than the boat I live on)

But I've got him. And if he goes south then I lose him. And the boat I'm living on.

I am so lost. And confused. And a total utter mess. And totally ignoring all rules of grammar by starting all these sentences with a conjunction. Remember that way old TV commercial that aired during kids programming trying to educate the peeps? That funky little tune "conjunction junction oooh, what's your function?" And now I'm aging myself. And I did it again, started a sentence with a conjunction? Can't you see I'm a mess?

I already told him I needed to stay put. Crying and hikkuping I explained how I needed balance and stability. This is a fork in my road. People need to follow their heart, do what they think is right for them. I've sensed this fork coming, and I've been a mess because of it.



  1. I hurt for you reading this. Big hugs and loves for you. Want to shack with me in the ugliest place on earth at the moment? We can at least go get coffee and chat and then blog about it.

  2. Pardon me sweets but there were a couple glaring mistakes in this post that need correcting.

    You do have friends. We're always right here waiting to lend you our support. The best part about us online bloggy friends is you can take us wherever the road takes you!!

    AND Stephen King starts sentences with conjunctions All the time. So if he can do it and get away with then so can't we!! Why does he need to be so special??

  3. Hugs. At least you have him.

    And that picture made me really sad.

  4. you are certainly in a quandry. I have no answers, but living on a boat which is a "vehicle" is bound to lead to travel...

    Every fork in the road
    Leads to yet another fork
    Happiness waits on all of them

    snatch the pebble from my hand

    I wish you happiness in whatever you decide!

  5. And here I am craving a more adventure in my life. (See I started my sentence with a conjunction too). I won't lie to you. Those are some hard choices to make. All I can say is that you two should sit and really weigh the pros & cons and be open minded to both sides.

    Hope it works out.

    Your friend.

  6. After re-reading this two times, I think you two need to talk. And if talking don't work, hit him over the head until it does work.

    I am praying for you guys.

  7. wow, this took me a minute to know what I wanted to write. I completely know what you are going through. Not your exact circumstances, but my 3 year relationship just ended, because we had nothing in common and wanted completely different things out of life. I hope it works out, I really do.. but, if you two decide it would be best to be apart, just know that you will be okay, you are an awesome person. Hugs and lots of love. (and email me if you need to talk about anything

  8. You guys are so wonderful. Why can't we all live in the same neighborhood so we can all hook up for a beer? Fuck that coffee I talked about. I need something stronger.

    Sadly this guy is hard headed. Once his mind is made up nothing can be done. He's not the type to sit and have a good long heart to heart talk with. I really have 2 choices: go with him or not. It's the what happens if I don't go that has me wondering all sorts of things (and those are the thoughts guilty of the sobbering and hikkuping)

    Thanks though. I really appreciate your friendship even if we can't share a beer together...

  9. you sound like you could use a hug....."HUG"

  10. I'm so sorry you feel you have to make a choice. I love taking off on long trips...and I love having a home to return to when I get homesick. Wish you could find a way to have both.

  11. ugh. ok it sucks. is there any room for compromise? can you go with the expectation of stabilty after? could it be that the trip is set after a stable time? sorry just questions...and follow your heart.

  12. You guys are amazing! let me know when I can come by and kidnap you guys! I did happen to just have a chit-chat with that certain 50% of the other people in my relationship, and Mexico is or may be put off for now. Certain people may have realized he or she was not ready for such an adventure! Ooof! Off the hook for now!

  13. Darling Nikki,
    I agree with The Minuteman's Wife. Bloggy buddies are with you ALL the time, whether you want us or not.

    Glad to see your latest update that plans are on hold for a while.


  14. ugh this is a major crossroads. trust your gut and heart. do what feels right and not what you feel you should do or have to do. if it feels wrong, it is. and yes, this sentence starts with a conjuction because hell yes we will follow you wherever you go.
    hugs and virtual drinks. ♥

  15. Hang in there - you DO have friends right here in the blogosphere dear.

  16. I had to think for a few minutes before I was able to form this comment.

    Normal is not what anyone expects.

    For example, I am 28, have 1 girlfriend I talk to on a regular basis, I'm in a long term relationship and all I like to do is sit at home and do my own thing. We're not social butterflies, our friends are Netflix & Xbox.

    I fantasize about those nights out with friends and getting crazy, but on the rare occasion I participate in that, I find it exhausting and a waste of my time.

    It took a lot to accept that what normal and fun for me = boring and lame for others. Everyone is different.

    Perhaps you need "normal" for just a while. After your "normal" period of dishes and gossip and coffee, you may want that meandering year! Maybe you'll find out that your own definition of Normal is in fact, bouncing around and seeing the world and not being tied down.

    You should explain you want the opportunity to try out your own Normal Fantasy.

    Good luck finding your normal!

  17. i am at my fork in the road too... i can so related to everything you are saying... i hope it all works out the way you would like, but remember that God has an ultimate plan and it always wins out and is always better than what our human eyes can see :-)

  18. Keep the faith my dear.

    We are all here to send you mental hugs.

  19. Girl, you gotta do what makes YOU happy. Know this though- there is no "normal" life. The things you crave are just that- things. And it's hard to have and keep friends anywhere. If you lived in my town, you would chew your arm off to escape and I'd stow away on your boat and we could have coffee and gossip along the way.

  20. ((((((( HUGS )))))))
    To you sweet Nikki. Im sorry Ive not been keeping up ( had my head up my own ass dealing with shit ) But I hope all the best for you. Talk to your other 50% Maybe you can find an acceptable compromise. Remember.. everything happens for a reason.. but sometimes the reason takes a while to reveal its self.
    Im here if you need me.

  21. HOW am I only just now seeing this?!
    I don't know what to say honey. I'm here if you need me - you have my number. Call, text, whatever.

    Love you


  22. Boo. I hate turmoil. I am sorry you are going through that.

    Take care. BTW, I am sitting next to a water cooler. Alone.

    ;-) We could fill it with cheep pineapple infused vodka and then drinking hot or cold.

  23. *****CHEAP*****DRINK*****
    Sigh, it's like I did that especially for you!

  24. Either way, sweetie, things are gonna change again.

    I hope you find your "Happy" one way or the other.


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