Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Trim That Shit!

Not that I'm a fashion police, neither is Booby (recall, Booby is my husband, but the term husband is just so blech and makes me feel really really old and wrinkly, so the term husband is only used in really officially high fatutin places, like immigrations, the doctors, police stations, etc.) but we do like to let people know what we hate... and wish people would oblige to OUR tastes that way we wouldn't have to see some of this stuff:
That body hair? Trim that shit down. It's really disgusting. Wal-Mart sells really cheap trimmers, like $10, buy it, use it, own it.  Yes, I'm talking about chest hair, under-arm hair, back hair, even hair down there (or especially hair down there). It doesn't need to be shaved off completely (except for the nose and ears), but please for the love of Allah trim it! You'll thank me later (after sending me a really really nasty hate letter signed anonymously, of course!)
White shoes.  Rare is an opportunity where a white shoe is acceptable or not an eye sore, unless you are a wedding singer wearing a baby blue tux with lots and lots of fluffy shit. And white tennis shoes, or running shoes, or whatever you call them shoes with jeans is a definite no-no. If you need to go casual, that's ok, but find a colored shoe, please, PLEASE! Bonus horror points if they're velcro tied!
Tie-dye. Unless you are a 10 yr old child (or younger) tie-dyes are so wrong. So wrong.
Capris. A famous comedian once said: "Ladies, I don't care how hot a figure you have, capris never look good."  Personally, I find ankles very sexy and want to show them. I tend to wear shorter pants. You know, like water in the basement or as we used to call them way back when "floods". But Booby hates them. Wishes they were never invented. And as Vinny C's it, they are most definitely wrong on men. Especially if they are skinny! And I concur on that opinion.
Short hair. I used to believe short hair was such less maintenance and kept my do short, very short, like boyishly short. Then Booby asked me to let it grow and see how it looked. I accepted but told him I'd be hideous with long hair and if I didn't like it, snip-snip away. Oh my god! 1- It is such less maintenance! Bad hair day = simple ponytail. 2- I look so much better (it even helps make my nose look smaller!). In Booby's humble opinion EVERY woman should let her hair grow, it's more feminine. I tend to agree, but totally understand the desire to cut it short!

Sweatpants. Nothing says "I give up" more than a baggy pair of drawstring sweats!  I had totally forgotten this one until a Vapid Blond kindly reminded me of them. OK, wanna hear the bonus points of horror on these little delightful eyesores? No tighty-whiteys and having your junk creatively and shamefully hang loose and lobbing all over the place. Bonzai! Goddamn that hurts my eyes!

You know what? I'm afraid to hit that "PUBLISH POST" button. I normally stick to funny shit, or hot and bothered sexy shit, or have my drama moments when I'm a poet & I donevenknowit! But this kind of controversial stuff, hmm, and to quote Austin Powers: it's just not my bag man.  Hopefully my favorite reader doesn't wear capri jeans with white velcro shoes and a tie-dye shirt as body hair is sticking out all over the place. And maybe you do but you don't care! That's a possibility, and why should I care? Why should I?

But then again if that question had any standing whatsoever I wouldn't be blogging now would I?



  1. great post - i couldnt agree more on all fronts. No matter what your guy tells you, he would prefer you with longer hair. Guys dont like girls with short hair. Sure they'll fall in love with girls with short hair, get married, give you babies and all that happy crap... but the truth: They'd MUCH prefer you with longer hair. Trust me.

    I know that's not the only reason a girl decides how to wear her hair, but i'm just givin' it to you straight even if your dude won't.


  2. I have short hair right now.

    I hate it.


    (my stylist made me because of some *damage*)

  3. My point was, I so agree with everything on your list. I do were capri's but I have nice ankles, no cankles here!

    The only thing I would add are drawststring sweatpants on men. Never, every gonna like seeing that!

  4. @ Christine: thank you! You know, I'm taking extra care in not reading any of your book before it comes out, I want to get a virgin's eye view of your so totally non virgin's naughty experience! ツ
    @ Simple Dude: Ho dude, trust me he literally yells at our she friends who have short hair, (chuckle chuckle) and I really love myself much much more now that my hair is long free and prosper!
    @ Vapid: I know, the sexy no cankle thing rules right? I'm sorry to hear about the damage though, it'll grow! (Mine only took 3 years!!!)

  5. Ha. I agree with you.

    Is the shoes thing all white or is white with some colors ok? Because I have on some white with colors today?

  6. And is it racism to hate white shoes?

  7. I wear capri's but it's your absolute right to hate them, plus I am so freaking sexy I can pull it off, and by that I mean I am far to lazy to get hit on by strangers so I have to downplay my hottness to avoid traffic jams and public scenes. I don't wear anything skinny, or low riding because I hate ass cracks. Today I took my 78 yr old dad to have eye surgery he was told to wear pull on clothes, he purchased his first pair of sweat pants a matching t shirt and velcro white tennis shoes. Other than the fact he's nearly hairless due to some Indian heritage we almost covered the entire post, except I don't do short hair, I do lazy pony tails. I still love you.

  8. I had my hair a lot shorter when I was in high school. I find I actually like it better just below shoulder level. I can do more things with it.

    I do agree there can be too much hair on men. The problem is getting some of them to trim it. Being a little older they tend to think it would be to prissy of them. Yeah, that's the word I heard. LOL!

  9. You probably should avoid Walmarts and Phish shows like the plague. I do. They're riddled with this nonsense.

  10. I'm just going to go crawl into a hole and be quiet. I offend on four of the six fronts...

  11. I was going to leave an intelligent comment but now I am all intrigued by Rabbit's possible offence: Is it the white shoes? The sweat pants? The body hair? No. It can't be the capris 'cause there IS an exception for AbFab gay men to wear Capris while looking gorgeous, right? It's in the constitution...

  12. @ Oilfield: I'm not going there... so not going there!
    @ Peachy: you are such a sexy bitch! growlgrrr!
    @ Christy: hey, I am guilty at one time or another of each one of these, including the hair down there... gulps! but not any more!
    @ Silver: I had to google phish...
    @ Rabbit: thank god it's not the hair!
    @ Absence: I hear ya, capris are ok if you're gay, and it's in the constitution, I checked.

  13. Oh Hell Nah! That hairy back shit gots to go by way of waxing, razor nair.. anything.. just GO!!
    As for that rabid possum looking do Kate is sporting.... I dislike it almost as much as I dislike her!

  14. You didn't answer my question about the white shoes with colors?

  15. First of all, muchas gracias for the mention.
    Second: that guy is way beyond the help of any trimmers known to man. Maybe a lawnmower could help... or a flamethrower.
    Totally agreed on all the other points too.

  16. Ok I will forgive you for the short hair thing. I wear mine choppy, and coloured (pinks, purples,red blonds). I have photos of longer hair and believe me, I look much better now. Also I have cellulite and there is no way I am weaing above the knees shorts in the summer so capris or 3/4 shorts are my thing. When it hits 40+ there is no way I am wearing long pants if I dont have to.
    Agreed on every other point tho. Especially the body hair, why nature would take away the hair on a mans head and then compensate for it by putting it in his ears I have no idea.

  17. the only one i will argue is the tie came with my medicinal perscription...

  18. @ Holly: I once dated a guy that had it THAT bad... wow...
    @ Oilfield: what color is it? Is the shoe mainly white with a colored Nike swoosh? Or like a colored shoe with an ol' school white sole trim (that second option is the shit man! like as in uber good)
    @ Vinny: denada, I shoulda slaped the link in there, sorry... a lawnmower! love it!
    @ Mynx: with a name like Mynx, you could wear a potato bag and a holocaust hairdo I'm sure you'd still be hot!
    @ Brian: I'll forgive you but only because you're such a good writer! ツ

  19. LOVE THIS Nikki! On the hair trimming thing... there is such a thing as WAX. I've been working a weekend clinic where they have the estheticians... and WOW they do back / chest / bikini etc. I get this mental image of the move "40 yr old Virgin" everytime I think of a chest wax though, makes me LMAO! Sorry guys

  20. Mine are white with colored stripes and a color nike swoosh. Basically just plain running shoes.

  21. Ooohw, you forgot the "dude you're jeans hang down to your knees and i really don't enjoy looking at your way too expensive UNDERwear" trend, yuck!

    Is tye-dye okay for kids? Really

  22. And why is it when men lose hair on their heads it seems to pop up on their backs?? Honestly, how can you be so damn hairy and not have hair on your head? I don't get it. I used to have hair almost to my ass, and then I just decided to cut it all off. I've been growing it back for about a year & 1/2 now. My stylist and I have a pact that she will NOT cut my hair. And you forgot the whole guys wearing skinny jeans thing. Whenever I see a guy wearing skinny jeans I feel the need to rinse my eyeballs with bleach.

  23. wtf, I didn't comment on this before?
    sigh. I feel like a bad friend.
    and now I'm too tired and grumpy about NOT having commented before that I can't even pick on OT's feigned worry about his damn tennis shoes.

  24. I'm with ya on the short hair. I just got my hair cut short- first time since I was kid. I did it because winter's here and I'm running racing events. I love it- for now. I will let it grow out for summer because it is easier to take care of in the summer and can be put up. I knew you needed to know this. Ha!

  25. @ Laugh: have I mentioned I waxed my guy in the beginning, who woulda thought waxing the belly button was such a horrid sensation!
    @ Oilfield: trash em.
    @ Wuppy: kids can wear anything they want, Im still jealous of this shoes with lights! Dam it!
    @ Rachel: I must admit a young guy (like 20s, I'm still legal here) in a punk rock look with skinny jeans = HOT! sorry, also he has to be hot to start with...
    @ Miley: I hear ya!
    @ Laura: oh but I DO need to know... and what kind of racing are you involved in? See how I need to know everything?

  26. Rock on! All the professors in my department wear the old ass white sneakers when they go casual - I'll never understand it. Oh and the pic of Kate made me vomit a little. Thanks!


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