Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Got a Chip on your Shoulder?

I want to wail like a baby when:
  1. Clicking on the “unsubscribe” link to be removed from an annoying email list only to keep receiving the said annoying emails.
  2. Knowing exactly where I’m at in line, who came up after me and seeing people say they’re next when I know there was at least 3 or 4 ahead of them including me, and nobody says anything… except for me. I take myself as the defender of the line-ups and speak up for the others.
  3. When people tell me I’m rude to make fart and poop jokes, they are and always be funny, people are too stuck up and feel to important about themselves.
  4. Missed calls on my phone but no message. I never return a missed call with no message. And people get mad because I didn’t return their call. If I want to talk to that person I’ll call back no matter what, but if that person had something to say then why didn’t they leave a message?
  5. People who know who I am assume that makes them my friend. Although I’m a friendly person, I’m very discreet and don’t become instant friends with strangers who come up to me and say “Oh you’re so and so and you work for so and so. I’m a big fan of his.” 
  6. Being interrupted. Ignored. Those who can’t wait for you to stop talking so they can quickly insert their story proving they weren’t listening in the first place.
  7. People who get mad at me for forgetting their name. I meet new people at a fast pace, in cities across the country, sometimes I know your face but can’t place the place and get confused.
  8. When I am nice at a guy who thinks I’m hitting on him and replies to comments such as “I like your jeans” by stupid shit like “I have a girlfriend”. Dude, trust me if I were hitting on you you’d know it
  9. I cuss. My sisters and friends don’t want me cussing around their kids, yeah right as if they’ve never heard the word “fuck”.  School is the ultimate training ground for cussing.
  10. I hate perfection. It’s gotta be the most boring attribute. People who need to be perfect so annoy me beyond any imagination! Martha Stewart became interesting when she went to jail. Even more so when she was a guest on Howard Stern and talked about having sex within 3 hours of her release.
  11. I hate it when people say they hate Howard Stern but have never listened to his show. Hmm, I hate it when people hate anything they’ve never tried! Other than anal sex, do you really need to try it to know you don’t like it? Don’t think so.
  12. I do hate it on Stern when they just bitch and bicker like grade school kids, they can be so petty and stop it with that yelling and screaming!
  13. I hate it when you see somebody do something they shouldn’t do (like a co-worker or something like that) and you ask them not to do it again to have them reply “I never did that”.
  14. I hate bad drivers. Drivers who text, read stuff, cut you off. Hate them.
  15. I hate Brussels’ sprouts. Had to eat them as a kid. Hated them then, hate them still.
  16. I hate waking up too early after a late night. (But love getting up ahead of time giving me the luxury of lounging around before work).
  17. I hate talking to people who have saliva accumulating in the corners of their mouths. Swallowing is an easy task. Do it. Regularly.
  18. I hate being a witness to bad dental hygiene. I don’t want to look at plaque build-up or rotten teeth. It’s gross. Take care of yourself.
  19. I hate it when Americans assume that because I’m from Canada I have high tolerance to cold. Canadians don’t all live in igloos up in the far north, our climate is very similar to this one. Any climate in the States other than Hawaii or the deserts of South-Western USA.
  20. I hate it when people reply “Oh you’re from Canada, EH?” Fuck you. I don’t say “eh” as much as most people from Wisconsin or northern Minnesota. Actually don’t really say it at all.
  21. A blinking flashing light after a power surge. I immediately have to re-program every clock.
  22. I hate it when my naïveté is interpreted as ignorance or stupidity. I’m naïve because I enjoy believing, why would or should people lie to me?
  23. A preview should not spoil the movie. A preview should simply tease you enough to make you want to see it, not make you feel like “Well, I don’t need to see this movie now!”
  24. I hate it when over-weight women assume that because I’m skinny I was that bitch that destroyed their high school years for them. Don’t hate me because I’m skinny, wait to find out first if I really am a bitch. Then it’s ok to hate me.
  25. Just when I think I’ve invented the perfect joke, rehearse it mentally over and over and try it on people they look at me like I should be institutionalized. I hate it when my creativity is lost on people. Or when they simply don’t find me funny.
  26. This list is annoying me. Why am I forcing myself to think of things that make me go “grr”?
  27. White shoes with jeans. Grown-ups should not wear white tennis shoes, running shoes, white athletic type shoes of any kind with jeans. Ever. It’s just wrong. I don’t care if you’re just doing your groceries or returning your empties. Change shoes.
  28. I hate it when restaurants don’t take the time to remove the lettuce heart. I don’t want it in my salad. And while you’re at it, cut up the lettuce to bite size pieces. What am I supposed to do? Eat my salad with a knife and fork?
  29. Annoying strangers who feel the need to criticize me on stuff like “Oh you’re so white, you need to go out more” Yes, I am very fair skinned. I actually am outside more than most people. Other than gardeners, I work more in the outdoors than any other people I know. I just don’t tan. Sorry to offend you.
  30. I am generally a very happy person (other than when I meditate on what annoys me) so I smile a lot. A lot. Like all the time. I laugh a lot too. Like all the time. I’m just plain old goofy. But why do people need to belittle me because of my joy? If I get mad they laugh and say “Oh, you’re so cute when you’re angry!” What am I, a poodle? 
  31. When my over-weight friends think it’s ok to remind me my legs are way too skinny and twiggy and ugly yet get totally offended when I tell them the ? cup of dressing on their salad accompanied by the ? gallon of Mountain Dew is not dieting when they ask me why can’t they lose weight?
  32. I hate it when as a solution to insomnia I need to go over every time a friend or family member hurt me and I just sat there taking the insults. Mulling over what I should have said. Events dating up to when I was 5 still keep me up at night.
  33. People who talk to their pets and say “Come to mommy” or… “Go see daddy” It’s a pet. It’s not a kid.
  34. I am 44 years old. Do not have kids. Not that I never wanted any but don’t want to get into the logistics of it with strangers. So when they ask if I have any, I am totally annoyed when they wisely look at me and proclaim “Oh, one day you’ll want some and change your mind.” It wasn’t a choice asshole, stop thinking you know me better than I do. And why are you trying to improve me? Just look ahead and drive your cab.
  35. That’s it. There’s more. But now I’m angry. I have to stop this list now. Maybe a little Family Guy will bring the smiles back…

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