Thursday, January 13, 2011

Single White Female

Every time a commercial runs, my guy sighs, looks at me and says "I wish I had somebody who loved me like that!" Me too, me too...

Know where to go to find the ideal mate? Check out these ads:

"I am a very sweet girl who enjoys car rides, giving people kisses and receiving any affection I can from you (AKA - SLUT!)! I am quite energetic (A.D.D.) and would like a home with an active owner (NYMPHO). I may jump up in excitement when first meeting people (PSYCHO), but in a friendly way (YEAH... RIIIIGHT). I sometimes may chew when I am left unsupervised (SHE EATS A LOT, KEEP YOUR KIDS AWAY FROM HER), so give me lots of exercise and toys to keep me busy (NEEDS TO LOSE WEIGHT)."


"Hi my name is Joker (I'M THE ONLY ONE WHO LAUGHS AT MY JOKES)! I was brought back to the shelter because (I'M HOMELESS) I like to escape and travel to neighbors who are not to fond of me (ESPECIALLY WHEN I'M DOING THE NEIGHBOR'S WIFE).  I am a very sweet boy! I love to play (OH YEAH, GIGGIDY), and of course the more attention the better (ATTENTION WHORE)! I love being around kids as they are fun playmates (DON'T TELL MY PAROLE OFFICER). I need someone who will be patient with me and work with me so I do not escape anymore. (I LOVE TO BE TIED DOWN, I HAVE MY OWN HANDCUFFS)"


"I am a very loving and affectionate girl and I really like attention (ANOTHER ATTENTION WHORE), I would also do great in a home with kids of all ages."


"I love treats and will take in gently (WITH A LITTLE KY). I am very people oriented, and I like to be next to my owners as much as possible (I AM VERY SUBMISSIVE, WILL YOU BE MY MASTER?). Oh and I also was used to being around a chihuahua and I was the submissive one (TOLD YA). I like car rides, and I tolerate baths but it's not my favorite (THE WATER CAUSES FRICTION). I need lots of running space in my next home because of my energy level, and because I was used to it (WAS? WHAT DO YOU MEAN "WAS"?). I love to fetch. I also retrieve (I'VE BEEN CAUGHT STEALING). I have not hunted (I'M ALWAYS THE HUNTED). Thunderstorms and gun shots did not seem to bother me (AS LONG AS THE SHOOTER CAN'T AIM). When strangers came over I barked if I was outside but would not hurt anyone. I got along great with the cats as well (JUST LOVE THE FEEL OF THAT SANDPAPER TONGUE). I just like everyone (I'M EASY!)"


"Hi there I'm Jake! Don't let my age fool you, I'm a big playful boy with a lot of energy (AKA I'M OLD BUT WILL LAST MORE THAN 8 MINUTES). I'm very social and friendly with strangers (I LOVE EVERYTHING THAT'S STRANGE TO MOST PEOPLE). I like to give hugs, I do well in car rides, I like baths (WASH ME, I'M DIRTY), and I love to cuddle (OH YEAH, AND SPOON, AND OH YEAH...)"


"Hi, my name is Buddy! My original owner abandoned me (YUP, ANOTHER DIVORCÉ) and so I was kept by another family for 3 months (REBOUND EFFECT). I love chew toys and pigs ears (AND BACON, LOVE BACON) and I lived with older children. I can be a little vocal (I'LL YELL WHEN YOU DON'T DO WHAT I WANT) when I don't get enough attention or on car rides (AGAIN WITH THE CAR RIDES). I  like to chase cats and probably should not go in a home were they are present (CRAZY CAT LADIES: BEWARE). I was kept outside all times (I KINDA STINK, EVER SINCE I DID IT WITH A QUESTIONABLE PERSON). I would love a home where someone has time for me and where they have time to train me and teach me new things. (I SOMETIMES PEE IN BED)."

Something tells me the fine people who work at the Humane Society have spent too much time searching for their soul mates online.

DISCLAIMER: No animals were harmed in the making of this post.



  1. onlune dating scares me you never know if people are telling the truth or not

  2. haha...that is awesome...snicker...

  3. Hi, they call me Jasper. I'm a pretty big guy, and I like it when the kids want to ride me. Let me into your home, I'll give your kids a good ride, and then watch over them while they sleep.

    I do all sorts of tricks, I can even play dead! All I require is regular brushing and a good tummy rub.

    I can sleep with anyone, but I prefer sleeping with children.

  4. It's a good thing pets are not allowed to choose their owners - or the poor people who like to dress up their dogs would have to resort to putting sweaters on their plants.


  5. I always think of that SNL sketch "Lower Expectations" when I think of dating commercials.

  6. Hi! They call me Mangy. I'm the outdoorsy type and not a picky eater. While I desperately may be in need of a (flea) bath, I'm playful & have been known to follow complete strangers in the hopes that they would feed/play with me. I'm recovering from my skin "condition" but unfortunately the name has already stuck. I'll try not to strew your garbage all over the sidewalk.

  7. Hahaha. This was funny. Sounds like craigslist ads.

  8. Hilarious. What a great way to start my day.

    Also, I was kind hoping that you could...maybe...tell me how to reach Jake? Older men who can last past 8 minutes AND a spooner? SOLD!

    Ummmmm, let's just keep this between us, okay?

  9. @ becca: I would NEVER want to go back there again!
    @ Brian: yeah, I kept having to double check I was on the puppy adoption site!
    @ KevD: the WORST part about what you wrote? I know some women who'd reply to that... it's sad!
    @ SD: haha, people who put clothes on their pooches also brush their teeth and bring them to the pet psychiatrist!
    @ Laura: the lower they are the more they can be met! so true yo!
    @ Oilfield: why thank you!
    @ Vinny: Hi Mangy! You dropped an elbow there!
    @ Bouncing: I've yet to venture on craig's list... cree-mofo-py!
    @ Nari: ok, I wont tell the 5 other readers I have (ha!)

  10. I wanted to try online dating, but my husband but my husband was really against it.
    Also, I cant go to the animal shelter either.. I have a hard time resisting those eyes. Uhh.. they get me every time.

  11. Great post Nikki :) I'll be back often to read more!!!

    I'm totally with Becca!!!

    Hey Kev D....AKA Jasper, by any chance are you free next weekend, my middle teenage son has a whole bunch of friends that I dislike, perhaps I could invite everyone, including you over for a party, and you can leave with all of the ones I dislike, lol.... Totally kidding...I'd never wish that on anyones kids!!


  12. Water DOES cause friction. Why do parents never mention that when they have THE TALK......right?

  13. i'm a pug so i snort a little (will pass out and immediately start snoring) and am not fond of the snow because i'm short (easy to mount) and stout (a chunky monkey).

    way to break it down, girlfriend.


Unless you are a zombie or a fembot, your comments are totally appreciated! Loved. Desired. And wanted (I added that in case it was not clear)