If there's one thing this trip is doing to me, is that its making me realize just how utterly and depressingly fucked up and messed up I am as an individual.
I can't hide from myself. I can't hide my truths. I can't hide my weaknesses and I certainly can't hide my ugliness. It's like life is holding a magnifying mirror in my face, and is forcing me to keep my eyes open. Yelling "take a good look, this is you, this is who you've always been!" Now to figure out how to change, and make sure reality won't chime in and add "...and who you'll always be!"
Finding myself on a 40-foot boat with nowhere to go unless I'm taken there by the waves - and my husband who's always there, by my side, at bed time, breakfast, afternoon naps, heck we can't even poop in total privacy! Am I going crazy? Or has the craziness simply been on hold, waiting to be awakened by the harsh water hitting upon us from each side?
Are people really meant to be together? Is it normal to choose a mate and join for life? Why can't people join, for periods of time, when its most convenient or when both partners happen to be on the same path? And then as things progress, opportunities arise and change comes to life, partnerships move on - naturally - to new horizons. Would that not be the norm? Should that not be the norm?
I'm now filled with doubt and confusion. Is this it? Is this what I should be doing? Is this my destiny? Am I making a mistake? Or if I leave this cool adventure and opt for a more sedentary life grounding myself into work and rent - would THAT be the mistake?
And then... and then you realize that as perfect as other lives may appear to be, and how they make yours look sour in comparison you suddenly realize how it ain't so! Because you see, in reality everybody is just as fucked up as the next. Some show it more, and others have great cover ups. But in reality they are looking at you trying to impress you because they feel a mess, and wish they could be you.