Thursday, June 17, 2010

The Day I Was a Total Bitch A.K.A. THE Spotted Dick Story!

I'm not insensitive, I'm just a real idiot.

One day, my sister and I were having breakfast in full hangover mode. We were talking about the previous nights habberdasheries and how SHE'D gone way off the handle. Want examples?
  1. We were playing darts with some of my work related friends, her darts weren't anywhere near the dartboard so she lifts her shirt above her bra and says "Now I'll get the darts where I want them..."
  2. When she'd go to the ladies room, she'd pull her pants down before leaving the bar, to "save time and get back faster".
  3. I introduced her to one of my friends from Tennessee, she grabbed his crotch asking him if that's how they meet new people in the south.
  4. He grabbed her boobs and said no this is how. She looked at me and told me she loved my friends.
  5. Sitting alone at the bar was a man with a cowboy hat. She asked us if we all wanted to know how she approached cowboys. Walks up to him, does a pretend lap dance, removes his hat, climbs on the bar and does a sitting performance with the cowboy hat.
Back to the hungover breakfast. We were going over the nights events. Reminding each other of what we'd done (notice I don't provide examples of my stunts? My blog. MY blog. I get to say what I want! haha) when waiting to get a table was a group of people, among this group was a woman standing on a segway.

A segway. And I repeat, yes I am a moron. I assume this thing is for lazy people who do not want to walk. I assume this lady is the proud owner of a brand new segway and takes it everywhere with her. So when I spot her I tell my sister "Oh my god, check the chick on the segway INSIDE the restaurant!" My sis is like "Where? Where? Where is she? Where is the lady on the segway?" and of course she's yelling this. I guess hangovers make her go deaf.

I'm telling her she's at the entrance. She can't see. I repeat, entrance waiting for a table. Again with the "Where? Where? Where is she? Where is the lady on the segway?" So I point. I point to the lady. She spots her. She laughs. I laugh. She points as she is laughing. (This is sounding like a See Spot. See Dick. story) By now we are both pointing and laughing. And pointing. And laughing. We are still drunk. It's 8 am. We closed down the bar at 3 am. We're getting too old for this shit...

Then it hits me like a big sore headache (hungover = headache) full of guilt trips (laughing at potentially handicapped people = guilt trip). "Oh my god sis. She's on a segway because maybe she needs it? Maybe she CAN'T walk?" Now she's punching me for being so rude. I remind her she was the one yelling and yelling. She reminds ME I was first to point her out.

I can't apologize to that woman (she left before I could get to her). But for some reason my apology is being paid forward to Jennifer Juniper.  She'll get it. Jennifer - I am truly sorry. People are rude not because they are mean, but because they are ignorant. From one socially neurotic to another, hope you'll accept my apology. I've never met Bean, and I hope I'd be kindhearted to him if I ever did bump into him.

p.s. I wrote this post at 8 pm. Later at 10:30 Stephen Colbert was linking the oil spill to the same story.  (Not my segway story, that would be REALLY weird but the spotted dick one) See Spot. (oil spill) See Dick. (BP CEO). I am so in tune with Colbert. So in tune. Also, I had to add this ps note so you would know I came up with the Spot/Dick story before Colbert did. He copied me. HE copied ME. My blog rules, I am copied by Colbert.


  1. I cant count the number of the times Ive made an ass out of myself in public. And sometimes I cant blame the drunks for it. I would love to be able to apologize to everyone I may have offended, but I would have to take out a full page ad in every major newspaper in the USA.

  2. Drunk the fuck what if she needed the segway. Some things are just fucking HI-Larious.

    Lets all have a sense of humor and not take our selves too seriously.

    I love that you pointed it out and also that your sister was loud in seeing what you were pointing out.

  3. Awww!! That's so sweet!!

    But let me back up here - you got drunk with your sister?!?! I'm dumbfounded.. For our mother's sake I could never get drunk with my sister - one of us would die (probably me, Mr. Incredible has guns, Bean does not).

  4. @ Holly: yeah, I just can't help myself for being loud and offensive too! Every major newspaper in the USA? Work for the Amtrak? hahah!
    @ Vapid like the air: It WAS funny, really funny! And I think we were still drunk, made it even funnier, we laughed sooooo loud! How was I to know or think a segway could be used for this purpose???
    @ Jennifer, aka JJ: I always say "A family that drinks together is a family that stays together" unless my sister joined AA or is too young to drink (hard to be too young to drink in Canada) we party everytime we are together. Man... we have A LOT of fun. Reading your story about Bean got me all sensitive all of a sudden and riddled with guilt...


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