Friday, November 26, 2010

Kitty Hangs Her Tiara

Voice-over: "In five, four, three..."

As the camera's red glow lights up so does Kitty and she rolls with the film. Obviously she feels she was born for this. "Hello, I'm Kitty and thank you for joining me as I prepare for my last pageant!" She takes a quick glance in the mirror, touches up her hair and returns to the camera. "Now I know what you're thinking: I'm too old for a beauty pageant! If that were true would they have a 18 and older category? But look at me! 29 and I'm still beating the younger girls. They've got nothing on me. Nothing!"

She tilts her head at an angle, looks up from the corner of her eyes and blows a kiss. "Could you do THAT with a book on your head? You wouldn't believe the stuff they still teach these kids! How can anyone flirt with a book balancing on their head?" With her hand covering her mouth she giggles. "Now look at me, I've just smudged my lipstick. Oh the things you make me do."

Quickly she faces the mirror, picks up her lipstick. Runs it over her lips and rubs them together. Makes a kiss at the mirror and returns to the camera.

"The younger girls need a sophisticated woman like me to show them the way. Winning a beauty pageant is all about winning the hearts of the judges. And truth be told, it is so much more than a mere beauty pageant. Judges delve into your personality, they evaluate your skills and then there's my favorite part:" with her hands in front of her, showing an imaginary billboard "The TALENT competition! So you see, it really is a Somebody Pageant! I've been telling them repeatedly to change the name, you know debunk the myth of" she raises her hands to make the famous quotation mark gesture "the empty shelled beauty queen..."

Kitty's attitude changes. her smile fades. Staring distantly away, she shakes herself back to the camera and the smile returns. "Like I said, this is my last pageant. I'm hanging my tiaras and I'm retiring..."

Kitty opens her robe just enough to show her leg. The camera zooms in on her thigh and her knee. "I'm going out with a bang!" She whispers: "I've been secretly taking dance classes. Look at these legs! Tadaa!" She guides the camera back to her face "That's enough now, my fans want to see my face!" The camera slowly returns to her legs "I will dance my way to my final trophy. I will retire a beauty queen forever!" Once again she guides the camera back to her prized smile and her shiny eyes. "Oh nobody expects me to dance, I've been ashamed of my legs for the longest time. $10,000 later and a new pair of knees these legs are begging to be admired by the world. Don't tell anybody, but a knee lift isn't my first dabble with plastic surgery." With her index finger by her lips she shushes her audience.

As her left hand pulls away from her face, she glances down towards her ring less finger. "I will retire a beauty queen and offer myself as the perfect trophy wife." Again she giggles hiding her mouth. "Some say men want a woman who laughs a lot. Who would want a laughing hyena? Like that ... that ... Susie!" In a mimicking nagging voice she continues "Little miss Susie Q and her high pitched laugh!" She rolls her eyes and moves closer into the camera. "Oh and that gum to teeth ratio?" she whispers "Not a plastic surgeon in the world could ever fix that! Sure they've given her the trophy, my trophy, a few times in the past. And we all know what her talent portion will be again this year! The same she's been doing since she was 10 years old."

Backing away from the camera for a dramatic pause, she fingers her hair, pushes her cheeks upwards with a quick glance into the mirror. "Cupcakes." She turns to face the camera "She waltzes out with a platter of cupcakes she" motions the quotation marks "baked herself at home" snickers, "and offers each judge a cupcake." Kitty rolls her eyes and pretends to gag.

"Buying the judges votes is what I say! And she should be ashamed of herself. She has no talent! I'll bet she's looking forward to my retiring... The real competition will die the day I wave my delicate long fingers good-bye as I walk away carrying my final trophy!" Another quick glance into the mirror with a nod of satisfaction. "What does SHE have to offer a man?" Kitty must love the finger quotation mark sign, because she does it yet again: "Marry me and I'll bake cupcakes til death do us part?" Again she looks down at her left hand. A slow exhale which could be confused with a sigh or a show of exasperation is released.

"My soul-mate, the man of my dreams does not want a career woman. No, my man, a real man, not a wishy-washy new-age emasculated man: wants a traditional woman." Now her face really lights up, her eyes are searching something and keep glancing somewhere up in the air above the camera. "He'll have a solid name, a name of power like Bronson, and he'll be strong and brave enough to protect me."

The lights in the dressing room flash twice. "Eeks! That's my cue!"  She stands up, turns to the mirror, nods an approval of her looks, unties her robe covering her outfit and turns to the camera. "Wish me luck!" With a flick of her arms, her robe falls to the ground revealing her costume. "Or as they say in zee show bizeeness: Merde!" Let's a soft giggle run out "Oh and Bronson, stop looking, you've found me! And I'll make you proud!" She twirls like a ballerina and dashes out the dressing room.

Fade to black. Voice over:  "And cut!"


This has been yet another fun Magpie tale. Please feel free to tell me what you think in the comment field below. I'm eager as a beaver for feedback!



  1. Love it. I was hooked from start to finish.

  2. Thanks Vinny! Nice of you to say, especially that I feel so guilty after posting such a long story...

  3. Great story, I really enjoyed it

  4. Really well written, I was left wanting more.

  5. Awesome! I want a part two, like five years from then, where she is a hot mess!


  6. This is really good!
    I enjoyed reading it...

  7. It's fantastic! Nice job Miss!! and...uhm..can I have one of the tiaras? :-)

  8. I've found myself in the 'Housewives of Atlanta' trap recently.

    This sums up their lives to a T.


  9. Sounds like an interesting character you have in the works. I adore a good antagonist.

  10. Great character...kind of Baby Jane-esque. I can't help but wonder if she ever finds her Bronson.

  11. Agreed: a sequel is in order. I also wonder whether she's found her Bronson and whether Bronson turned out to be what she was hoping for...


Unless you are a zombie or a fembot, your comments are totally appreciated! Loved. Desired. And wanted (I added that in case it was not clear)