Monday, November 1, 2010

The Vid That Didn't Happen...

Booby has his annual physical this morning. Me being alone in the apartment is something that NEVER happens. Ever. This is what I had planned...

Have you seen Allie Brosh (from Hyperbole and a Half) do her "how to put a coat on" video on YouTube?  Here's the link.  I think. I wanted to do a thing similar to the 2 girls and a cup video. Ugh, gross, not like ON the video and eat that disgusting shit, but do a reaction video. You know, tape ME watching Allie show ME how to put myself into a COAT. As I am reacting and doing it, as she explains it.

I thought it would be funny. It wasn't. Or, maybe it could have been HAD I been able to finish it.

I get everything set-up. Test it a few times until I manage to prop the camera next to the laptop and high enough so all we see is not limited to my chest (I know, guy readers are asking "why bother, it's all we look at" I know, Booby tells me all the time). Finally the setting is right, the shot goes from my waist to my head and we can see a full clear view of me, and the coat. 2 important factors in my story. So I start, as the YouTube version was rolling it froze. It just froze. It'll happen right? Well, it did.

I start playing around with the virtual "play" button, hitting it over and over as this is being recorded. Then the phone rings. When the phone rings (land line) it is USUALLY a recorded voice convincing me I need to purchase something. What is it? I never listened beyond the delayed "HELLO!" Only not this time, because this time it's Booby. He forgot his health card. I tell him it's the same info on my file. Not good enough. He needs me to immediately copy both sides and fax it to the clinic.


  1. I run down to the office, put the card on the copier hit "Black". No, I did not hit a black person, that's the button to make an automatic black photocopy. I'd be offended by the idea if my skin was darker. 
  2. It jams. Un-jam, reset, hit black again. The copy comes out (already I'm over 5 minutes in the stupid process) with a horrible half-ass printed copy. 
  3. No ink. Change the cartridge. Run the fucking alignment thing. 
  4. Make my first copy. Put it on the machine with the other side of the fucking card and copy it again. Perfect. 
  5. Now I put the thing in the fax machine, I don't hit black because it's a different machine. Punch in the number and hit send. It dials, beeps and grinds and then tells me it's printing and the machine never ate my sheet. Not good. The line has poor service? 
  6. WTF! 
  7. I go back upstairs, put on pants (I was doing the vid in my pj's, it was part of the humor, you know... like a kid who wakes up on Christmas morning?) grab the coat waiting on the table for the video and run across the street to the main office. (my future ex-apartment is above the race shop across the street from the owner's company offices). 
  8. I get to the door, a sign says to use the other door 50 feet down. WTF?!? I run there, go to the office, do the polite chit-chat, and slap my sheet on her fax machine. 
  9. Her dog wants to play. I pet the dog. 
  10. Start punching in my number. She gets up, tells me her fax machine is out of whack (stuff like that happens, of course) and fondles the machine so it'll work. 
  11. She asks why I'm sending out my medical card... People. I give her a short version, and bleep, brrr, grrrr, zzzzzeeeeep, my fax is out!
  12. I grab some mail waiting for us, and start my way towards the door. The salesman comes out of his office and starts asking questions. When are we leaving, what do we need to do before we go. Really? Isn't it obvious I'm in a rush here?  People! Leave. Me. The fuck. Alone!
  13. At the door the secretary reminds me to use the other shop door. Of course. I make the detour running out.
  14. I get back to my apartment to find stupid questions from my eBay stores. Is the bottle included? Yes! It is! I put the picture there, and mentioned all accessories included. This question comes in from 3 eBay users. WTF! I read my ad again. Shit the thing I had copy & pasted from an online ad said "BOTTLE NOT INCLUDED". Goddammit. I answer all emails. No the pots and pans are not titanium. TITANIUM? WTF???
In my speedy-I-can-do-everything-simultaneously mode, I deleted the partial recording I had made. Sorry, I so wanted to give you the perfect post Halloween video of me trying to put my coat on. Maybe next year, if Booby can EVER leave me alone.

And, Happy Day After Sugar High Day peeps!  How are your kids doing?



  1. It was a good idea though... Hoping you try it again...

  2. haha! yeah, when I was working on it I thought I was going to send you the link first, you know so I could a) invite you to join in and do the same thing; b) have you tell me if it was stupidly lame and thus have me avoid doing it saving face with all my numerous readers; c) going ahead and doing it anyways since you would probably be jealous of my idea wanting to do it for yourself...

    haha! I'm such a schmuck!

  3. Love it... this may be better than the video anyway. Unless you by chance left the video tape recording while you frantically run back and forth.

    Just so you know, I read every line of this post. Usually my passive ADD kicks in for longer story posts and I skip the end but you had me hooked like a marlin.


  4. Simple Dude, it's only because I mentioned my chest. I know. And you were hoping the chest shots would eventually end up here. I know that too. ツ

  5. Oh come on, I would never hope for something like that. However.. if chest shots somehow ended up on your blog... I expect an email, phone call, text, tweet and hand written postcard in advance so that I don't miss that particular post.


  6. lol. you had quite the adventure there....

  7. I'll pay for the seat next to Miley.

  8. Aw, that would have been a great video. At least you got a good story out of the attempt.

  9. Next time you try, take the camera around with you in case you get another tidal wave of interruptions. Especially if you have to go see the chick that fondles the machine to get it working. She sounds interesting.

  10. @ Brian: just a typical day in my life, you know Murphy's rule? If it can go wrong it's totally in Miss Nikki's life!
    @ Miley & Catherine: You'd be begging for your money back in 24hrs! My best friend once drove out to follow me on the road for 2-3 weeks. After 5 days he loaded up his car "Your schedule is killing me! I'm going back home!" haha, what a sissy!
    @ Jen: yes, thanks it is a pretty nifty story (remember that word? "nifty"
    @ Vinny: I'm sure the psoriasis covered hackers cough wrinkly 45 yr old is EVERYBODY'S type (I'm talking the fax fondling secretary, not Allie Brosh - who is actually very hot, I should know I'm the black calling kettle, haha)

  11. gotta love it when real life interferes with humorous life, especially when the real life interruptions are as ridiculous as all that


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