Saturday, January 15, 2011

Half-Ass Weekend Post

Simple Dude in a Complex World started this trend...
This is another edition of a half-assed weekend post. The Simple Dude started this, and I'm such a follower!

As a kid, I loved opening presents. A lot. When we were due for a new package of Q-tips I'd rush in to the job and pretend it was a gift. It didn't matter if it was clear cellophane, as I'd hold it in my hands I'd shake it and play pretend it was my birthday asking over and over "I wonder what it is? As I'd unwrap it and expose the Q-tips I'd be thrilled: "I love these! Just what I needed!"

I think my 1 gift limit per birthday and Christmas must have been a bit of a letdown, kind of like the Pink Panther cutting out an image of a fried fish in a magazine and slapping it on his grill. But admit, I was a pretty creative kid with a vivid imagination!
And if that wasn't enough, I'd sit my teddy bears and my dolls around my little table and pretend it was one of their birthdays. The ideal accessory for such a grand occasion was an empty little raspberry plastic crate. You know those little basket type things that're about 3" X 3"? I'd stick a kleenex on it covering it up (again, kind of like a birthday present) and decorate it. Place it upside down on the table surrounded by my teddy bears and dolls and voila: a beautiful little birthday cake!

I'd clap my hands and randomly pick who's birthday it was then sing happy birthday perfectly out of tune. To finish it off I'd cut the birthday boy's hair. It took me a long time to figure out the fact that it never grew out. All my dolls had crooked hair.

Let's not talk about the teddy bears... *sigh* they were a sad sight! But I loved them unconditionally.

Is THIS not the perfect picture of a really cute and happy (and desperately lonely, now that I think of it) little kid?


On another note (because now I'm depressed and need to change my line of thought) those full body scanners at the airports do have the perfect name: Rapiscan. It IS pronounced RAPEY-scan. It scans you, violates you and ultimately rapes you. Don't you think they should have focus group'ed that name?

And yes, I was scanned and violated no less than one week ago. And yes, I did suck my tummy in, thanks for asking. I do want my violators satisfied. I'm fucked up. Anybody got an empty raspberry crate I can borrow?



  1. You're the queen of the half-ass! Take that as a good thing.

    I can't say I ever did any of those things with dolls / teddy bears, but I did have some serious battles with star wars guys.


  2. Thanks! I'll take any compliment any way I can get them... Star Wars characters hunh? My barbies played with my friend's GI Joes. She was cool and could do anything the GI's did!

  3. Ugh. They just recently put those body scanners in here at SeaTac airport. I have to fly in the near future. I SO want to take some of my husband's METAL Fasson tape and put star shaped pastie's on my nips, just because.

  4. Oh dear. Those body scans! Thanks for the good read. All the best!

  5. Did your trip through the TSA folks come with a happy ending?

  6. I did tea parties and cut my dolls hair too. All part of being a girl. Tried to rope my brother in too but he prefered to play with his toy cars

  7. hehe...yeah on the scanners...and a birthday every day...why not...i had a panda bear teddy bear...

  8. Good post. I don't ever remember having tea parties even though I loved dolls. I was more of the motherly type pushing doll carriages up and down the street. Love the raspberry crate idea. So cute.

  9. I wasn't much of a doll person, my cousin and I used to take his matchbox cars and smash them against the side of the curb.. hmm I maybe shouldn't have shared that..

  10. LOL< I had the same parties, but with tupperware containers as friends, and presents. yeah I know, my grandmother only allowed 1 toy in her house and it was a porcelain doll I was not allowed to touch. Lucky for me she was a tupperware hoarder and if you stack them like snowmen you can make a plastic friend. WAIT. OMG it's all clear now. I still have plastic friends, but they all say ( batteries not included) which leads me to the fact you got violated, do I have to purchase a ticket to get felt up or can I just go there and do it as much as I want? I mean this should practically shut down the strip clubs plus no 3 foot rule. Also I never met a dude with a 3 foot cock so they could have made it the 5 inch rule and it would have been just as effective.

  11. I haven't been on a plane in a while but I plan to do it soon...I just need to lose a few more pounds and...well, a good waxing (maybe brazilian) beforehand, of course.

    I only gave haircuts once as a kid. It was two to little boys that my mom would watch after school. I had always hated their bangs, so I cut them off and then to hide the evidence, I stuck the hair in a pair of my dad's Army boots.

    I ended up getting into trouble twice for this one...but at least it was worth it. No. More. boy-Bangs.


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