Ever notice when somebody says "Oh, that guy is so annoying how he always has to make everything be about him. Always the center. Always. No matter what we're talking about has to bring it back to himself?" While he's ranting everybody is staring at him totally dumbfounded. If you could attach a speaker to everybody's thoughts you'd hear:
"Like you?"
"Look WHO'S calling the kettle black?"
"As if! You ALWAYS do that yourself?"
"Just jealous cause when he's doing that you're not getting to talk about your favorite subject: YOU?"
Yeah, basically, my theory is the things that annoy us the most in others are the things we are guilty of doing ourselves. Before saying "No way! Uh-hunh, never!" Think about it. Really take the time to think about this. Go back to the annoying people, go back to when you'd say "Don't do that, it's a bad habit!" Think about parents' favorite phrase around the world "Don't do as I do, but do as I say". You know I'm right. I am. I've been studying this for years as I observe people I work with, my friends and my family. It's basic Freud 101. Google it, you'll see! Take a good long hard look at yourself. Pull out that mirror and look beyond the outer facade.
It's been my theory for years. This is what I think about when I'm bored.
Then one day I was hit with this thought: If it's true of the negative shit, maybe it's true of the positive stuff? "What if... what if this theory is also true of people you ADMIRE? What if you admire people because the qualities they have are the same YOU have?" At THAT moment, a flock of doves came out of nowhere and flew in the air, the sky opened, angels with harps came floating down - magically avoiding the flock of doves, beams of light flashed on me as if God was Celine Dion's own roadie spotlight operator, I heard an entire choir singing "Aaaah-⇑aaaah-⇘ahhhh-⇒ah-⇑ah-⇒aaahhh" (Notice the arrows? That's where the harmony and melody directs the "ah"). It was magical. I had shivers on top of shivers.
A true ah-ha moment. Such an ah-ha moment I have to edit this and call it an AH-HA moment with full caps.
Of course, I thought if I'm feeling this way, it must be true. If I hate people because in reality I hate to see my flaws in them (more fun to hate others than face myself and risk hating ME), then I admire people because they also have my qualities. But, can it be true? Can it really be possible that I also have these awesome fucking qualities, me whom I always thought was beyond lame? How can I ever be the same as THIS incredible person?
Then I heard one angel whisper to another angel "What? Is this chick retarded? Is this not an obvious sign from up above?" Yeah, that angel was a cynic. Whispering loud enough for me to hear above the thousands of wings flapping around me, the choir singing, the clouds rumbling as they opened above me. "I heard that!" Yeah, I'm that kind of person, the one who yells at angels. So... Ok, I had to give in. It was true. "Finally, what else could we have done to convince her? What a dildo brain she is!"
Me: "Again, I heard that you mean nasty angel! How the heck did you earn your wings? Marry god's daughter? Rat someone out?"
Wow.
Tell me who you hate, and why. Then tell me who you admire, and why. And I will tell you: WHO. YOU. ARE. BUT, and it's a big fat butt. In this list of people you admire, there is a distinction. There are the qualities you DO have. Then there are the qualities you are working at developing without even knowing it. Because it is possible to admire people simply because they are wonderful. Be happy you know them.
And, ditto on the negative. There are people with traits you hate because you are annoyed at yourself for being that way. And then there are assholes. It's as simple as that.
I've heard that, too, that we hate in others what we hate most in ourselves (whether it's a current habit or one we've worked hard to curb--the cringe factor from realizing 'gosh, is that what *I* sounded like?' is pretty embarassing).
ReplyDeleteBut the corollary is that we sometimes envy those qualities in other that we don't have and it comes out as hate or disdain. The blatant salesman-type may seem both obnoxious and brave if you're the shy type who really needs to be able to self-promote.
Same goes for admiration: we admire those both that we feel a kinship with (pat on the back if someone famous thinks the way we do, that sort of thing) as well as those who are what we wish to become (the self-promoter who does it with grace and sans used car lot-effects).